Death and Life

Death and Life

“Egg and sperm meet and life is formed”; it is not an accurate statement, because, life is always not formed. Egg and sperm meet and form a cell and it starts to multiply. Only when it forms a beating heart, life is formed. There are times when even though cells multiply, there isn’t a heartbeat. That won’t be called a zygote, it won’t be celebrated; instead it is considered a loss, a lifeless mass, and it is removed from its mother’s uterus. So, is there something else along with egg and sperm that make a baby? If there is, what is that something?

Medical science has made such advances that our expectations have increased. 100 years ago, a preterm baby in breach position with umbilical cord around his neck may not have survived. There is a chance that the mother may not have survived that delivery either. This incident would have been accepted as reality. There would have been a period of mourning, sadness but people would have moved on. The “why” question would have been answered with “God’s will” or “karma” or “fate” or something to that account and mostly that would have been enough. Today, it is not the case.
Today, babies are delivered at 5 months gestation, delivery is postponed, and 500 grams babies are kept alive and taken care off. Today, death can be postponed, can be averted and can be played with.

But even today, death is ultimate, and that reality has not changed. A person, walks into a hospital for a checkup and comes back home in an icebox. A functioning body, with ailing liver and kidneys, gives up beating, breathing and is considered dead. Medical science fails to restore the functionality of these body parts and gives into the pressure of death. Even with oxygen support, lungs fail to take in the needed oxygen. Even with dialysis, toxins are left out in the body. Even on ventilator enough oxygen fails to reach the brain. Even with bold transfusion hemoglobin and platelet count does not stabilize. Medication does not help a failing liver. Efforts put by the medical science fraternity are not considered enough and there are no answers to the question “why”.

I lost someone close to me. He was a father figure to me. He was a loving, caring, kind person, knowledgeable man, a humble human being, a loving father, a friend, and an amazing human being. Whatever he was, everything went away with his death. His sense of humor, intelligence, empathy and wisdom vanished the minute his heart stopped beating. His body was kept in an icebox, it was kept intact, but his beating heart, his active brain, and all that that made him “him”, was gone. Where did it go? I don’t know how to react to devastation like this.

Medical science cannot reverse death. Sometimes, they cannot even postpone it. At times do they advance death, I wonder. He walked into a hospital for check up. He was admitted, was taken care of for 10 days but he passed away. I would have considered that the efforts paid off if he had lived. How do I account for his death? In the game of life and death, effort does not count, right? Did the doctors do all that they could; I wonder if anyone can ever be sure of that.

I wonder what happened when his heart stopped, when his brain went to pre coma stage. The element that makes a heart beat from a mass of cells went away from his body is it? Is that what the spirituals call as “atman”? If yes, where did it go, if no, what happened then?

The question of birth and death has existed forever and it continues to puzzle us. Is there a definitive answer? If there is, what is it?

I want to fix my country for the next generation

There was a time when I was in my own bubble and did not care about the world. I did my work, got paid, paid my taxes and that is all that mattered. I had money in my account and I was happy.
Today, I am a freelancer, taking a break, not working full time or earning like I used to, but I am aware of some of what is happening around me and I am bothered. I am frustrated, angry and concerned. And I do not want to keep quiet about it.

There was a time when our politicians looted our country. They have taken away crores and crores of tax payers’ money and we have done nothing about it. Black money, white money, foreign currency, gold, in many forms they have stored all our resources away in their lockers and we have done nothing about it. Scandal after scandal we Indians and the country has been looted and we have done nothing about it.

Now, it looks like the time for corporate giants to do so. Vijay Mallya, Nirav Modi, - I don’t know how big this list will go - are looting our country, our banks. Though, I do not have a clear understanding of how tax payers will be affected by this loot, I don’t find anyone else but tax payers who have to bear the burden.
Why is this happening in my country, why? And why are we keeping quiet about it? And more importantly do we know what we can do and what we should do? How do we work towards fixing this? How to get the money back and restoring some form of justice? I don’t know. This is one side to the problem.

The other side is, not letting such cases happen in the future. How do we do that? The other day, in a conversation with my father in law, he mentioned something about the loss of sense of pride. I understand it better today, looking at the number of people who have sold their souls for money. If we were to have a culture of pride in self, maybe we could turn out to be incorruptible?

This brings me to my idea of a sense of equality. Whether I am rich or not, educated or not, well to do or not, employed or not, if I have a sense of equality that I do not consider myself above or below anyone for whatever they may or may not have, then too, I can be incorruptible, right?

I believe in the idea of making money, creating jobs, growing economy and all that along with saving the environment and not exploiting any form of resources. I believe in working hard and not copying, growing and not pulling someone down, and being hopeful and not a cynic. I believe in the idea of having a sense of equality and the desire to work my way up the ladder the right way. Having a sense of pride whether I go up or not, whether I achieve what I aimed for or not. I believe in the idea of having a sense of contentment, using the term “enough” in life and applying it more often than not. I believe in having a sense of purpose that is bigger than self and bigger than my personal gain. I believe in feeling part of community and therefore having an identity that is not just me. I believe these could lead to a generation of solid and incorruptible souls.

I want to fix my country today, right now! I feel the need, I feel the urgency and I feel the desire. I want to leave a better society for the coming generations. I want the next generation to inherit a just, caring and trust worthy society which looks after everyone. I want to leave behind a society, a world with no corruption, no hate and no bitterness. I hope for a society with a sense of hope, trust, a sense of community with full of souls who are incorruptible.

Am I dreaming for something impossible? Please say “no”. I want to believe this is possible and I can work towards making this happen.

A concerned citizen.

Where are we headed?

Today, I read in the news papers, a bus conductor was physically abused for stopping a boy from harassing a girl in the bus. A thoughtful, noble act rewarded with abuse, hurt and thrashing? Why? Why do our youngsters think it is okay to hurt someone? What have we done wrong? Where have we gone wrong in their upbringing?

Abuse of freedom of speech – “whatever you say is valued” is this the impression created by parents/society today. Is this over importance encouraging the kids to abuse?

You deserve everything – whether it is an expensive mobile phone or a girl who is not interested in you. The mentality of 'deserving', is that the problem?

Whatever you do, I will save you – parents taking responsibility for their children's action and saving them. Is that the problem?

Shortsightedness – this instant gratification generation is looking for only that, instant gratification. In such a case, who thinks about consequences?

Societal apathy – our general attitude of “it is none of my business” leading to creation unsafe spaces?

No sense of right or wrong – Have ideas like right and wrong gone missing? Are we in a time and space where over extension of the being nonjudgmental philosophy leading to this loss?

I am worried reading this. I wonder what we can do to change this. How can we look at today’s youth and help them have a healthy attitude. How???

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Emotionally damaged generation

“Think before you have an affair, if she is a girl or a ‘beeped word!” – A statement made by someone I know. He has just had a breakup from a 2+ year long relationship, he is 24.

“She makes those statements and I am unable to breakup with her, it has become so tiring” – he is trying for a breakup from a 3+ year relationship, she cheated on him, he is 23 and so is she.

“She wants to get married but I am not settled in life yet, I let her go” it’s a mutual decision, it was a 5+ year relationship, and he is hurt, he is 24 and she is 25.

“I don’t know if I should be with him anymore or not, it has become a duty and burden in my life”, she is 23, and has been in this relationship for the last 7 years.

Every youngster I meet these days, has a boyfriend / girlfriend, and there is some trauma in their life because of these relationships.

Kids today, fall in love early, try everything out, experiment with relationships, have multiple of them. Kids suffer, don’t they? Is, having relationships at early ages leading to an “emotionally damaged generation”? Is it helping them or harming?

Will it help them learn to be strong what may come? Help them to get a balanced life where emotions do not tangle with practical decisions? Where kids understand themselves well and mature quickly? Are there any benefits of having these many relationships and these many break-ups?

If I am not wrong, during earlier days, falling in love was not common, and the ones who did, fought to get married and continued to have a committed life. There was stability, trust, and a strong foundation to build any relationship. It was healthy.

Today, kids start to have “that one person” when they are 10 or 11 years old. As time passes, many “that one person” happen in their lives. Mental, physical, emotional attachments happen and break.

Will this leave today’s kids unable to have a rock solid relationship that our parents had? Trust becoming a big issue in life? Will it lead to a day where it is all open marriages and any kind of relationship with anyone is accepted?

I see these relationships and trauma harms them, damages them, and troubles them. Jilted lovers killing themselves, their ex-lovers, taking revenge and the number of such cases, supports the fact that they are getting emotionally damaged.

Are we in the making of an “emotionally damaged generation”??

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Taking the Leap; blindly – My life is mine after all!!!

“Suma has taken sanyasa and has left to an ashram in a remote place in Kerala / Tamil Nadu”.

Today, Akshaya Tritiya, I was at the inauguration of the new temple building at the mutt. I went there to offer my prayers and be there for few minutes. I love that place anyway. I went there by 4:45 times and went to the prayer hall straight; where a lot of devotees were chanting some stotras. I saw “P” there, one of my friends from the Mutt. She went out of the prayer hall and I followed her just to catch up with her. As soon as I approached her, she got excited and started off, “how are you akka? It has been so long, you have not come here for so many Saturdays, what happened?” and all that. I answered it all and it was my turn for questions, and the first one was, how are you all? How is Suma, PV and all doing?

The answer I heard shook me off. Suma was an engineering graduate, had just finished her course and was working with the Mutt, doing all the computer work that was needed. She was a sweet kid. Very active, motivated by the words of a great saint and had read a lot. I liked and admired her spirit and wanted her to have a bright future and a good life.

She is the only kid of her parents, who had let her pursue spiritual path, work for a spiritual place, when a lot of others would stop their kids from doing so. I also heard that, her mom had fallen ill after this news. Her dad is asking her to come back, not marry if she does not want to, but stay with them, doing what she likes to do.

She took the leap, jumped off the cliff; she jumped off, without getting tied to any rope. It is her life, and she did what she wanted to. I know I am no one to judge, but I still am. Aren’t I? When I think, whether what she did was the right thing or not? And it bothers me much more, because there were situations where even I wanted to jump, but I did not. I held on to the ropes. This one incident is making me think about every other decision I have made in my life.

A good friend of mine told me, “you can live your dreams, but not at the cost of others”. I agreed, but did I do so, as that is what I wanted to hear, or do I really mean to agree? Another friend said it’s a tradeoff we all do. Another in similar lines stating, he has seen many such ‘taking the leap’ people.

I also wonder, was she ready for such a jump? She is a small kid, I mean; 22 – 23 is not an age where you can call someone experienced in life right? She had just opened her eyes; she is just a baby. She forsook it all, not knowing what she is forsaking and jumped off to becoming something she does not know.

I am not God, I know, so I cannot judge what is right or not. But being the human that I am, I will be puzzled for some more time, days at least wondering about everything.

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Inhuman Sexual Behaviors

I am utterly disturbed since yesterday afternoon. When I am busy, these thoughts won’t bother me, but as soon as I am free, only this thing runs in my head. What is happening? Why?

Yesterday afternoon I started reading my favorite magazine “omanase”. In the counseling section of the magazine, a lady writes about her problem. The problem is, her husband, who is a professor, is a womanizer, he has slept with anything that is called a female, and he sleeps with his daughters too. His daughters are so addicted that they call him to bed too. This not just when they were 13 and did not know what was going on, but also when they are grown up, married and have kids. How is this even possible? How can I digest this? This is a true story and I mean, what the hell?

I tell this to a friend of mine who gives me 2 such cases in a minute, a man, who sleeps with his mom and sister and another one who sleeps with a lot of females including his aunt (dad’s sister).

What happened to “a husband and wife should have sex only when they desire to have a baby, else restrain from such activities” the sages story? Well, I agree that is very old school. We moved from that to unlimited sex and birth control, to having sex before marriage with the one whom you are going to marry, to unfaithful marriages and affairs, to having sex with an attractive person when you desire, to separating sex from love, to open marriage,s to one night stands. But this? Having sex with father, mother, brother, sister, daughter, aunt, I mean, isn’t it worse than animals?

You might say it’s a one in a million case. I have not done any research on this topic but 2 examples for one story I narrate, I mean, it has to be a one in a hundred case then! How else can the math work?

Where are we losing our values? Where is it going wrong in the system? My stomach hurts when I read this and feel sorry, restless and helpless. What weirdness is this?

What do I do? How can this be corrected? How can we bring in values to lives? How can we identify such people and give them proper advise, medication, counseling and cure them? This is an illness, a problem, a disorder.

I am still speechless and lost in the whirl of these thoughts.

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Preparing for Pain

This morning, I spoke to her, she was very hurt, her dad had passed away and she could not go to see his face for the last time. It was an unexpected death. His health condition was normal and such a sudden death was not expected, even though he was hospitalized for 10 days. He moved on and now his family need to accept this sudden change and start living with it.

Not just people, relationships also die. Sometimes you can predict it and expect it to happen any moment and a lot of other times it just happens. One has to adjust only after its occurrence.

All of us come with an expiry date written on our forehead (if you believe that is place where god writes our future and his wills ;)), and I think so does every relationship. Sometimes people die before the relationship expires and sometimes relations die.

Also, like I said, some relations give hints that they are about to die, you could predict it, you could plan to adjust even before it actually happens. Like a bed ridden old man! You know he is not going to get up and become active, you know he is walking towards the doors of death, you know it may be today or tomorrow. So you understand, you accept and you are prepared for it to happen. Still you hurt. Even after knowing that he was walking on a one way road, you hurt. But do you hurt as much as you would have if it were unexpected?

Like an accident! You had no clue that the one you loved would be no more, you cannot see him alive the next time. Like a sudden break up, when you thought everything was going fine. Like a striking lightening! You were completely unprepared for such a shock in life and it happens. Friends, lovers, parents, siblings, we lose people whom we love in just a second. It’s like destiny’s destructive plan, cruelty. It takes a lot of time to accept that this has happened, to understand the reality, and then to adjust one’s life to the new reality.

Can we ever be prepared for all the death and loss that occur? We know we are all going to die one day, so, can we really prepare for it? To reduce the pain? Can we really be prepared for the shocks of life like death, break up or losing someone forever? Will I be called negative if I start a relationship thinking it may not work and end up bad? If I make up my mind and say I can live without anybody, though I love some people around me? Am I wrong then? Am I crazy?

I was in tears when I saw her in tears. It’s just been 3 days she has lost her father, and I was there, in my usual way, making fun, laughing, wishing her for happy festival. She was hurt, badly! I have seen my close ones cry when they lost their loved ones and I don’t like the pain! I don’t like the intensity of that pain. I want to know if there are ways to reduce that pain! Future is supposed to be unpredictable, but can we anticipate? Can we be ready? So that the hurt is that much lesser?

What do you think?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Are Friends/people a necessity of Life?

Why do we need people or society to live? To be alive? I doubt that! Then why do we need people who are called friends, love, relatives, whatever relationship that we have?

Well, during ancient days people were needed to be in groups as hunting was and is still a group activity. (well, human is not the only social animal in that respect, even other animals have their own groups and are social within that, right?) Later, we needed people around for barter system. However, now, when one earns enough to stand on his or her own legs, then why do we need friends? Or people around?

Why is there such a need and pressure to have friends? I even remember watching a movie, where the bride tells her friends that her fiancé does not have friends and they insist on him having some. They tell her about the problems of not having friends and how that will ruin their marriage! He actually goes out to make friends and the movie continues, the movie is called “I love you, man”. The guy ends up with different type of people as his friends!

Is it the need to share? To show off? Status? Belongingness? What is that thing, which drives people to have someone around? If deprived, to lose their mind?

Is it such a necessity to have friends? Or for that matter people around? To share, to go out, to shop, and what all other reasons! Why? Why cannot a human live alone, without any friends or family support on a day to day basis and be happy about it?

Ok, if you are saying you need someone who cares for you, loves you and who considers you as their world and let you have the same feelings, then I have my set of doubts on that as well! How long can one sustain such feelings? How long one will? And I think life time is a very long time to commit to!

That too when you say it is a selfless act! Some actions are done, purely to make the other person happy and expecting nothing in return! Seriously! Do such people really exist?

Again, if there is no selflessness, then why be social? Why yap so much about it? Does anyone do any act just to make someone else happy? I have my own set of doubts about it! When everything is done with a meaning, selfishness, purpose or expectation then only hurt and pain gets generated right, not love and peace! Then why bother disturbing one’s inner peace by being social?

We have psychologists to share our problems and get useful advice! We have books to read, TV to get entertained, strangers to smile, and unknown people to have a chat! Well, you might say now that I am contradicting my own thoughts! But again, I am talking about strangers and professionals and not friends or relatives! Because, whenever I said people, I meant friends and others who are known! An established relationship!

The one who is alone and happy about it, has the rights to decide how connected or disconnected one wants to be with anyone or anything! Stuff like books, music, and so on don’t hurt! Life will pretty much be on our own terms if this is done! So, why be social? Why rely on people with established relationships? Why trust them? Why?

I seek answers!

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Young Adults and Old Parents!

I am even unsure if I should be asking these questions! But, because I see homes where kids have flown away to a different home, city, state or country and old parents stay alone, also I see homes where though they stay together, parents are neglected and treated as if they are for kids use or benefit only, I am asking these questions!

It is kids’ responsibility to take care of parents in their old age? Or do parents need to plan for their last days? How wise is it to ask them to plan? (Have money, home, and people to take care of you or an old age home) How wise is it to expect kids to take care of their parents? What is best? Is there a common formula? What about kids who leave their parents and fly off to different home, city, state or countries? Is sending money enough? Is that the only thing that parents look for, from their kids? Or just one month visit in 2 years a good deal? What about daily necessities? What about emotional need of having kids’ around? Should we judge such kids? Who should? On what? And Why?

What we do to our parents is what we should be expecting from your kids? Or what our parents did to their parents is what we should be doing to them? Is there a best set example for this?

If parents ask their kids to curtail their certain dreams and stay grounded, are they considered to be selfish? Or if kids leave their parents in their old age and wander off to pursue their dreams, should they be called selfish? Is there a point where it can be balanced? Where and how?

Looks like my set of questions on this topic will never end and drag to other things, which will become topic for questions again, so I’ll stop here!

Do you have any answers?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Just Questions!

Just Questions!

Why? When? How? Which? Where? What? Who? Whom? Whose? We use this very often, get answers sometime and get neglected otherwise. Here is a list of questions which I face, hear, want to answer, seek answers for, have answered, so on and so forth! This section of my blog is called “Just Questions”. If you have answers for any of these questions, please write. If you have more questions, please write them too.

Post 1.

Why do people kill themselves? (Yes, I am still hung over by Jiah Khan’s death and the reasons that she listed in her death note) Is love from a particular person so important that without it one cannot live? Or was delivering a baby that is a love’s child is troublesome. Accepting that life is not taking the turns that you want it to, is so very difficult? Is career the only purpose of life? What happens to the love, affection, upbringing and everything else that parents do? How does all of that become negligible in front of some strangers love and make someone kill herself! Why? Is love really worth dying for? For that matter, is anything really worth dying for? What is? And why?

How do we stop this? How do we tell our younger generation that it is okay! It is okay to lose, to get your heart broken, to suffer loss, and go through pain! How do we tell them and we accept ourselves that it is okay! Believe that moving on with life is the best thing to do. How?

Life, a big question! The purpose of it, is! But feeling purposeless is it enough reason to end life? Or is it enough reason to find one?

Answers Please! :)

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu