Shishila – The Destination

The Desire:
About 4 or 5 years ago, I, appa, amma and Ankith went to a place called Nanya Bhairaveshwar. The ride was beautiful. It is about 25 kms away from my home and is a beautiful place. We had been there in the evening and we looked around. That is when I first saw the peak of Shishila. What a sight it was! As soon as I saw that peak, I wanted to climb to the top of it. I started suggesting that we should go there. Amma and appa tried convincing me that it was a bad idea to start at that hour. When I started making a fuss about it, appa made it very clear that it is not a viable idea. It was getting late and we had to walk in the wild to go to the top and without a guide there is a high possibility that we could be lost. I had to succumb, I had no power over this argument and we returned. For a minute I had the thought of wanting to get married on that hill top.



The Revival:
Last September when I was home, I spoke about my long lasting desire to climb the Shishila hilltop and Chetu helped me with Raju’s number. Raju is a villager in Bhairapura village (which is the nearest) and also acts as a guide to visitors. He spoke about leaches and other problems and suggested that we should plan to go there in November or December.

The Journey:
27th December 2015, me, appa and ankith left home at 12:00 noon. A junction near Agriculture College, before Mudigere, we took a left to go towards Bhairapura. At every junction we asked for directions and we were misguided once. We travelled extra for about 2 kms in the wrong direction and because we asked for directions all the way, we got back to the right road soon. After a while, in the next junction, where we asked for directions yet again, we could look at the Shishila hill top. Ankith noticed the excitement on my face and mentioned it was so much, as though I had already climbed up to the top.

We reached Nanya Bhairaveshwara temple and called up Raju. Oh! You will be lucky if you find any mobile network there, and we were lucky for a while.

The Disappointment:
Raju mentioned that wild elephants had been there at 10:30 in the morning. As we were only 3, he suggested it is better we go back now and come again in a group, instead of the planned adventure. We strolled for a few minutes, saw the way to the hilltop which goes inside the forest, and decided to go back. We could see elephant dump and the havoc they had created that morning, some broken trees, broken twigs and smashed bushes. It was enough proof for us to vouch our decision. We came back to the place where we had parked our bikes and started eating watermelon we carried.

Angels Arrived:
A toofan arrived with 17 people in it. Yes, you read it right, 17, aged between 10 and 45. 13 of them said they are going to climb Shishila. We all jumped out of joy and joined them. It did not take much time for us to get friendly. Together we started walking towards our common destination.
The path in the forest was well made but there were places where we had to walk up on dusty, stone filled roads. It was very slippery and very tiring. Once we crossed the forest it was again an uphill climb and it was extremely exhausting. Ankith held my hand and encouraged me to climb up, “a little more and we will be on flat land”, he would say.




I was breathless by the time I reached the flatland. It indeed was flatland and I rested for a while. Then, the next step was to climb to the peak. Appa said he won’t go up and suggested that I too stay back. I did not want to give up, after going so close. The kids started climbing fast and I took my time to go up. This time appa was with me, asking me to be careful and helping me climb. This was not tiring but very risky. It’s a steep climb and one miss step could lead to a disaster.

I did reach the top successfully along with appa. Ankith had already reached and had clicked some photos too. It took an hour to climb and what a view it was! We could see South Canara border from the top. This day and all its efforts were all worth it. Though not clear, we could still see range of mountains. We could see a river and a water falls at a distant location and we could see beauty in all directions.



It took lesser time to climb down, a small break and step two, and we had reached the gateway to the forest. We all gathered together and walked together as that was our best chance of survival in case wild elephants paid a visit. Four people who had stayed back had watched us climb the hill top and were waiting for us. We said a ton load of thanks to all of them and bid goodbye.

Known Turf:
You might have noticed I said very little about food, because we had very little. On our way back we ate some biscuits and drank some water. It was almost 5:30 and we were in a hurry to get back.

Our way back, we found new connecting roads. From Bhairapura we went towards Devavrunda circle, from there to Jannapura and finally to Gonibeedu. We followed the same protocol of asking for directions all the way till we reached the Devavrunda circle. Dad geared up, “no need to ask anyone for directions” he speeded up. We reached back home, tired, content and me, a dream fulfilled.

PS: Photo credit Ankith H S

Missing Periods

No! I haven’t missed one
I am not pregnant
It takes a month to come
And I am missing it

I dream of periods
Blood on my hands
Blood between my thighs
To feel “fresh again”

Unbearable pain
My only desire is to rest
It is uncomfortable
An excuse, at its best

But when it comes
It comes with peace
Hormones working
Settling mood swings

I miss my periods
It’s so much fun
It’s such a roller-coaster
Also, it’s a stress buster

BhaShe

High on Cheese

Unfit pumping machine
Clogged passages
A vicious circle
Loop, repeat
I get high on cheese

Hundred rules
More complications
Heart, mind fights
Pinches at wrong places
I get high on cheese

Know the pitfalls
Nature’s calls
Going large from small
Forgetting the stroll
I get high on cheese

Not a relief or medicine
Neither a solution
Harmful than known
But compulsion driven
I get high on cheese

BhaShe

The Light will come

In the middle of the night
When it’s dark and sleepy
I sit up and make my living

No, it’s not the need
It’s not even the money
It’s only the desire

Satisfaction, silly thing
It’s a desert mirage
Almost there, but never

No enlightenment
Middle of the nights
Serve only the strivers

As every night passes
Am close to the end
But I remain there

The light I seek
Will come to me
When I am about to sleep

BhaShe

Impotent

His tongue is a sword, criminal mind
Words chosen wisely to play his games
He rules my world, the only area he is competent
Rest all, you will read below, he is impotent

Whatever he touches turns to dust
He always makes all wrong choices
He is the reverse of Midas touch
In these many years, he is financially impotent

He does not understand heart beats
Neither his heart, nor his mind works
Nothing that should, make an impact on him
Making it obvious, he is emotionally impotent

Sperm production has come to a halt
Smoke and booze has killed his capacity
His thing refuses to stand and do its work
I suffer, he is physically impotent

Intertwined and tangled are our lives
Troubles everywhere, no solutions
Stuck at a point, now I ponder
Has he turned me in to an incompetent?

BhaShe

Two Cups of Joy

“Two Cups of Joy” it’s said
Two cups of poison too
Oozes milk out and
Poison in, sometimes

Genetics gift
Nature’s wrath
Sometimes a warning
Unknown path

Act, take a step
You matter
Make an informed choice
Part of the barter

Fight or flee
Surrender or kill
I did all I could
It was his will

My body
I will know
I will look after
I will show

BhaShe

Heartbreak Season

Am I shielded?
Or am I numb?

What are you seeking?
I infer, search signs
I dip my fingers in paint
Paintings happen

I walk same roads
Same lessons
Are you attempting my failure?
Hard nut

Breaking my hopes
By their tail
My middle finger talks
And I let it

Bleeding toe nails
Leave trail
Though I walk off
I remain

BhaShe

Mesmerized

When I see you light up the world
I can’t resist but follow you
I punish myself for my acts with silence

The boundaries I set for myself
Are broken, I feel your pull
What magic have you done to me?

I try to chase you away from my mind
While I meditate, when I see you, I name you,
You resist to leave my mind, ever

I try to be angry, I try to hate you, punish you
But when I see your eyes go sad
I fail to stick to the promises made to self

I wonder what you are, who you are
Where have you come from and what’s your purpose
I am too shy to talk to you, question you

My heart runs around you like a lost puppy
My eyes smile when I see your face
What am I supposed to do?

You are too beautiful to resist
Your childlike smile and behavior
Makes me want to love you

BhaShe

ಕಳೆದುಹೋಗಿದೆಯೊಂದು ಖಜಾನೆ

ಹೊಸರುಚಿ ಮಾಡುವ ಕಾತರ
ಹಲವು ಹಳೇ ರುಚಿಗಳ ಆಗರ
ಯಾವ ಖಾಯಿಲೆಗೂ ಇದೆ ಮದ್ದು
ಹಂಚೀಕಡ್ಡಿಯ ದೃಷ್ಟಿ, ಕೆನ್ನೆ ಮೇಲೆ ಮುತ್ತು

ಮಕ್ಕಳೆಂದರೆ ಅಪರಿಮಿತ ಪ್ರೀತಿ
"ಬಾರೋ ಬಂಗಾರ" ಅವರು ಕರೆವ ರೀತಿ
ಜೀವನದಿ ಎಂದೂ ಮುಗಿಯದ ಆಸಕ್ತಿ
ಹಲವೊಮ್ಮೆ ತಂದಿಟ್ಟಿದೆ ಫಜೀತಿ

ಕ್ರೋಶಾದಲ್ಲಿ ಸ್ವೆಟರ್ ನ ಕೌಶಲ್ಯ
ಅವರ ಮಾತು, ಅನುಭವ ಅಮೂಲ್ಯ
ಬರೆಯಲಾಗದ್ದು ಅವರ ಭಾಂದವ್ಯ
ಅವರಿದ್ದಿದ್ದಷ್ಟೇ ನಮ್ಮ ಸೌಭಾಗ್ಯ

ಕಿತ್ತಳೆ, ಸೀಬೆ, ಬೀನ್ಸ್, ಸೌತೆಕಾಯಿ,
ಸಪೋಟ, ತೆಂಗು, ಮಾವು, ಪಪ್ಪಾಯ
ಹಣ್ಣು, ತರಕಾರಿ, ತೋಟ ಅವರ ಆಶಯ
ಅಜ್ಜಿಯ ಶಕ್ತಿ, ಯುಕ್ತಿಯ ವಿಜಯ

ಮಲೆನಾಡಿಗೆ ಬಂದು ಮನೆ ದೀಪವಾದರು
ಅಜ್ಜನ ಮನೆಯ ಶಕ್ತಿ, ದೀಪ್ತಿಯಾದರು
ಬಂಧು ಬಳಗಕ್ಕೆಲ್ಲಾ ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಹಂಚಿದರು
ಸಾವನ್ನು ಬೇಡಿ ಪಡೆದು ಮರೆಯಾದರು

ನಮ್ಮ ಹೃದಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಹಾಡಾಗಿರುವ ಪದ್ಮಮ್ಮ
ಕತೆ, ಎಣ್ಣೆ ನೀರು, ಕೆಲಸದ ಕೈ ಅಜ್ಜಮ್ಮ
ನಮ್ಮ ಕಣ್ಣಿಂದ ನೀವು ಹೀಗೆ ಮರೆಯಾದರೂ
ನಿಮ್ಮನ್ನು ಯಾರೂ ಮರೆಯಲಾರರು

ನಿಮ್ಮ ಬೆಳಕು

ಭಾಶೆ

Seed in Your Stomach

I am a seed in your stomach
You cannot digest me
You did not chew me on my way down
You saved your life and mine

The fruit that had me, was sweet
I guessed you were terribly hungry
You gobbled and swallowed
Like a hungry animal

Did you know I was poison?
Or you just randomly swallowed?
Now that I came untouched
I cannot kill you either

I will move out of your system
Not harmed, not harming
I will have enough fertilizer and moist
To make a life out of me

Are you just a lucky ass?
Or a learned know-it-all?
As you have managed
To save two lives at once.

BhaShe

The Storm has Passed

The storm has passed

Busy erasing the scars, that
Making memories have halted
Refresh, start over, and leave the scars alone

Have been traveling the whole night
Direction west
Do I see a tinge of orange in my mirror?
Like light moves in circles
Have I taken a U turn?
Am I back at where I started?
But with a different direction

Some tunnels on my way were so lit
That I forgot sun
Sun, who lights up the whole world
Sometimes it is so cloudy
Sun does not make a difference at all

It is the light inside me
That is lighting up my world
It is the god inside me
That is keeping me alive

Forget and ban the sounds from outside
Let me hear the voices from my stomach
It is not easy; I am tuned out till now
But I hear a static, I hear noises
Am sure, I will tune in, soon,

Reflections are guiding me
They are taking me places
When in dark, I see light
And I see reflections too
Bat ears and cat eyes

The storm has passed
Is it time to settle down?
Is it time to prepare for another one?
I shake myself off the dust
Thinking I am a phoenix
And I wonder

BhaShe

By the End

Stay away,
You don’t belong here
I close my doors on you
I need no pain

Shed those bags
Those and more
But even then
You are not really free

I am afraid of you
I am excited by you
I am confused by this
And I am working my sheet

Balance sheet in the process
Assets and liabilities
Yours and mine
It is in progress

Wait outside the door
I take time to do my math
Only if I see a profit
Will I let you inside

Stay where you are
Don’t push any buttons
I haven’t yet figured out
You might just be nothing

You might just be
A beautifully packed pain
An absent dream
A no one and nothing by the end

BhaShe

White Sheet

I stare at a white sheet
Not knowing what to write

When hurt is a tumor in my throat
When I have been the scapegoat
When the wounds won’t heal, but rot
I stare, not knowing what to write

When my ears drums are bombarded
Every emotion gets aborted, retarded
Remedies I try fail as soon as they are started
I stare, not knowing what to write

Though I desire to wish away pain
For peace, love, harmony to remain
Journey to unknown currents to detain
I stare, not knowing what to write

Are his doors open for me, I wonder
Have I missed his call, his murmur?
Will I find my soul, my peace, inside, under?
I stare, not knowing what to write

BhaShe

Between Lines

I can keep reading
Between the lines
Till lines are written

Move your hands
Write more lines
Leave me dots to connect

It’s like studying
Handwriting
Content, does not matter

All I need
Is you to keep writing
So I can keep reading

If you stop and let go
My foundation is shaken
My castles would fall down

I stack up
Books, sheets, pens
And refreshments

You are writing my life
I cease to live
When your pen stops

BhaShe

The bitch inside, does not die

When it rains outside
The darkness inside emerges
Swallowing the goodness
Showing all wildness

When a thunderstorm passes by
We get enough air to breathe
That’s when our feet is on ground
That’s when we feel challenged

When it’s dark and cold outside
We use some drinks
Take cold from outside as ice
And dark as drink, sip by sip

When a volcano erupts
We warm our hands and legs
Put it out in one breath
Like squashing a cigarette

The bitch inside, does not die
It comes out when we decide
We are angels otherwise
The bitch inside, does not die

BhaShe

Pushed out of my dreamland

Pushed out of my dreamland
To reality
I realize

I am tiny little person
On the face of earth
I ponder about

Significance of my existence
Purpose of life
Importance of emotions
Source of peace

I realize that I am this human
With 2 legs and 2 hands
And I am like everybody
And everybody is like me

I am nothing different
But unique
I am one among the group
But doesn’t belong

Why I laugh or cry
Or happy or sad
Or disheartened
Or angry with what?

I persistently search
For the door back to my dreamland
To remain there, as I was
And not be part of reality.

BhaShe

Beauty

It’s like walking on a mud road
Holding a stick in my hand
Along my foot steps
It draws a line, a mark - temporary

It’s like having a song in my ears
It’s humming to me, am humming it
Am swirled in its melody and lyrics
It’s stuck to my mood and mind

It’s like walking with the breeze
Letting it play with my hair
Feeling it all around me
Seeing it through my closed eyes

It’s a feeling inside
That gives me goose bumps
Not knowing what it exactly is
But knowing it is very dear to me

May be, I have fallen in love
Fallen in love with the new found self
May be, I have starting loving me more
A lot more than I ever did

BhaShe

I dream

I dream of being that one special friend of yours
With whom you lay your heart open
To protect you, care for you and be with you
And build a bridge that is unshakeable

I dream of being your life partner
In joys and sorrows and much more
To love you eternally and be loved by you
To have my world weaved around you

I dream of being your wife, the better half
Share all that I have with you
Have my name carry yours with it
And be your eternal partner

I dream of being your soul mate
Be your heart beat, be your breath
Be the one that you can always trust
And be attached to you, forever

I dream of being soil for your seeds
To grow you, inside me,
To connect with you in such a way
That we can never be separated

I dream of you, about you, of being yours
I dream every day, night, minute, second
All I do is dream and dream about you
And await for you to ask for my hand.

BhaShe

Inspired and Dedicated

Calling

Somewhere someone awaits your call
Oh! Confused soul
Reach out to your destiny
As she awaits you

She is bound
By her golden chains
You hold the keys
To unlock her
From her miseries

She too desires
What you desire
But only if you could
Whisper those magical words
In her ears
She would be released

She is crippled
But has a strong will at heart
Hold her hands once
She will break her crutches
And walk with you

Winter has passed
It is the time of spring
It is the time of spring
Open your eyes to the new world
Claim what is rightly yours
Claim your destiny

Oh! Confused soul
Possessor of good fortune
She is calling you
Rise above your limitations
Rise above your inhibitions
She shall be yours, forever

BhaShe

Are you scared?

Are you scared that
One fine morning
I might ring your door bell
Stand in front of you
Lay my heart
On your feet
And bind you
Forever

The love I have
Is impossible to deny
And you will accept
Let me inside your life
Which was
Just yours
Till now

You may fall
Head over heals
In love with me
And I would know
Your flaws
Weakness
Like your soul

That we may grow
So dependent on each
That death
When it takes me
Would take your soul too
Along with mine and
You would be empty
For ever

Are you scared of me?
Of falling in love with me?
Of loving me?
Of being mine, forever
And staying that way!
Are you?

BhaShe

Realization

When I walk those lonely roads,
Watch those misty lights beam light out
Feel the chill air on my nose, cheeks and feet
I think about you

When I smell coffee brewing
When I hear petals crack and spread aroma
Blossoms flowering
I miss you

When I stand in my balcony
Listen to wind and chirping birds
Wonder about the green color of leaves
I ponder about you

Every time I breathe fresh air
Every time I hear my heart beat
Every sound, color and feeling I see
I realize, I am madly in love with you

BhaShe

Persuasion

You are a water bubble
You are a butterfly
You are a hint of rainbow
On a moody evening sky

You are a paper boat
Filled with glitter and light
Sailing on my river of life
Tickling my funny bones

You are a clear dream
You are a distant reality
You are an unsolved puzzle
Going round and round in my head

You are my inspiration
You are my motivation
You are the door half open
Result of my persuasion

BhaShe

Inspired & Dedicated Love Poems

Love Race

It is a tortoise and rabbit race
But towards each other
I have crossed my half long time back
I await your reach on the joining line

Every step you take towards me
Pulls me close to you
Am held back at the joining line
I can’t wait anymore

You move very slowly
Think and ponder on your way
Look up and see me once in a while
And lost in your thoughts otherwise

Every passing second is a year
Every feet is a decade to pass
Am holding my heart in my hands
Just to make it yours as soon as you reach

BhaShe

Love Story

I am butterfly
I am flower
I am the nectar that flows
I am colors
I am shade
I am the transition between

I am you
I am him
I am everything that connects
I am love
I am pain
I am all other feelings in between

I am your mirror
I am his shade
I am the grey between black and white
I am his question
I am your answer
I am the string that runs through the dots

I am bird
I am tree
I am the dry twig that becomes nest
I am soul
I am heart
And I am the universe that binds both

I am your ears
I am his words
I am the air that carries it all
I am him in you
I am you in him
I am the idea of you two, together

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Inspired and Dedicated

Running on Autopilot

The lanes I travel
Have arrow marks for instructions
The things I do
Come with a process handbook

System created fire extinguisher
For what happens in my belly
It is cold outside, snowing
Warm clothes protect my body

It creeps out in every direction
I try to grab it all back and put inside
Breezy, windy and it flows
I lose a little bit in every explosion

The ties are lose and tight
I sprained my neck, back and ankles
Those horses run so very fast
My hands bleed holding control

Am I running on autopilot mode?
Defined emotions for every situation
Am I free? Am I at my will? Or
Whatever I think is also programmed?

BhaShe

Snatched Away

Locked up in a box
Kept in a safe
I believed I have you
Forever

Least did I know
That you could move
Space and distance
That fast

How many lives did you take
How many hearts did you break
When you walked
Bare foot,
Away

Family and friends
Lovers and haters
Walking dead bodies
With lifeless lives

Even if it was known
The thread that binds
Has thinned down

What could anyone do
When the one snatching you
Was nothing but death

You went in seconds
Leaving those hearts
Empty forever

BhaShe

See-through

When I look in the mirror
I see, I resemble my mom a little
Yes, I carry her legacy
Sometimes I see her softness in my eyes

My mom’s sisters peep in too
Her forehead, or her stern look
All that I carry is borrowed
What is it that is just mine?

I will have a piece of them in me
When they leave their bodies and move on
I hope I will see my mom in me
Hear her voice and feel her warmth

Is that all it is? One pillar to another?
Genes and qualities that percolate down?
Seems as if it’s a mission to carry
And pass what I have carried, further.

BhaShe

Help

Others, needy, poor
Distressed, destroyed, dreaded
I say I helped
How can I be so proud?

When destiny rocked my boat
When I was unable to stay afloat
When I was sunk till my throat
Could I help myself?

If I were to be poor
If I were unhappy and sore
Then how would have I felt
When I was being helped

Am I superior because I can help?
Take credit, gloat, and yelp
Why not I think how foolish I am
To believe that I actually help

Isn’t it all just his master plan?
Give a lot to someone otherwise nothing at all
To teach us how to share and care
And see the world without vapor

BhaShe

Anticipation

I drink my poison
Sip by sip
Only with the hope
That one day
You will save me

I walked miles to stand in front of your door
Hesitant to knock
I stand there
Waiting
You will have to come out
One or the other day
Or do you have a secret way out?

I hear your voice, your noise
When you walk with so much energy
Jump out of joy, happiness, and laugh
I hear the activities inside your house
Behind those walls, which I have not crossed

I dream about
How you may look
How you may talk
How you may hold me
Take me inside your house
How your house would look
About everything
That I have not seen

The doorbell rings, so many times
All those who have come
After me
But rang the bell
Have gotten inside
Have left the building
With changes in them
I see them with curious eyes
If I can find
Any impression of yours on them

I have carried it both
The good and the bad
As they rot, get stale
I sit and wish to see you
And only that
As I sip my poison

BhaShe

Badnam(e)

When you think of me, by mistake
When you remember my smile
When you write my name
Don’t write it next to yours
I don’t want the stain of my name to stain yours

Don’t tell your friends or family
That you are my friend
That we hangout sometimes
That we share a healthy chat
They will see stains on a blank white paper

No photos with me, never
Save my number with a different name
Any conversation we have had
Remains within 4 walls and dies
You cannot identify with me

You may know a little of what I am
You may know a little of what I was and could be
But they always believe
They know me through and through
Whatever you may claim, they will dismiss

No rain could wash off the stains my name has
No miracle could change their views about me
I have accepted and I can live with it
I have grown strong, I don’t care
But you, don’t become my weakness now

BhaShe

From a Distance

Standing at a distance,
I see myself changing

Those miles I have walked
Carrying emotional baggage
Those ups and downs I have crossed
I feel strength in my legs

Every tear drop on the way
Has turned in to a diamond
Every sweat drop
Is now a goldmine

My baggage is getting reduced
I feel light, as I walk further
Though tomorrow looks scary
It looks beautiful and interesting too

Every smile I had on the way
Makes me smile, even today
It’s a never ending saree am draping
Changing the way I look, everyday

Only from a distance, I can see all these
What a beautiful journey life has been
I know am here to learn, to become more
I know, my path, is just and green

BhaShe

Unspoken

On your words
Am making my world
Kindly be honest now
Tell me how many truths
And how many lies

I have closed my eyes
Said my goodbyes
Ready to step further
Am I coming closer?
Or going farther?

You have spun me around
I’ve gone up and down
Kaleidoscope in my eyes
I feel as if
I’ve just stepped out of a dream

You have ignited new feelings
Evoked new dreams
Shown me trailers of a world
That I had never seen
Am walking on clouds

Am weaving my dreams
To fit your size
Kindly be honest now
Should I continue?
Or should I cease?

BhaShe

Expressionless

Spiders crawl up my back bone
I feel the chills
Are they spiders?
They've latched on to me
Are they sucking my blood?

I feel nothing on my back
Did those creatures die?
Was my blood venom?
Or is it the numbness
From their venomous biting

I feel am walking on the clouds
Wind in my hair
Light as a feather
I don't feel any weight
Am I dead?

BhaShe

Begging for Apology

Say sorry once more please…

This time I won’t turn my face
I won’t walk away and make you chase
I’ll accept it and give you a kiss
Those romantic times, I too miss

You know that I know now, I was wrong
I held on to my statement too very strong
The silence has created a huge gap
Let’s finish the fight, let’s cut the crap

I know you apologized a million times
Every time I played different, false pride
Now I see it has gone too long
Ego melted, am not any strong

Say sorry once more, I beg you
Boost my ego a bit, am dying for you
I want you more than you could have ever thought
Let’s kill the silence, just hold my hand.

BhaShe

Emotionally damaged generation

“Think before you have an affair, if she is a girl or a ‘beeped word!” – A statement made by someone I know. He has just had a breakup from a 2+ year long relationship, he is 24.

“She makes those statements and I am unable to breakup with her, it has become so tiring” – he is trying for a breakup from a 3+ year relationship, she cheated on him, he is 23 and so is she.

“She wants to get married but I am not settled in life yet, I let her go” it’s a mutual decision, it was a 5+ year relationship, and he is hurt, he is 24 and she is 25.

“I don’t know if I should be with him anymore or not, it has become a duty and burden in my life”, she is 23, and has been in this relationship for the last 7 years.

Every youngster I meet these days, has a boyfriend / girlfriend, and there is some trauma in their life because of these relationships.

Kids today, fall in love early, try everything out, experiment with relationships, have multiple of them. Kids suffer, don’t they? Is, having relationships at early ages leading to an “emotionally damaged generation”? Is it helping them or harming?

Will it help them learn to be strong what may come? Help them to get a balanced life where emotions do not tangle with practical decisions? Where kids understand themselves well and mature quickly? Are there any benefits of having these many relationships and these many break-ups?

If I am not wrong, during earlier days, falling in love was not common, and the ones who did, fought to get married and continued to have a committed life. There was stability, trust, and a strong foundation to build any relationship. It was healthy.

Today, kids start to have “that one person” when they are 10 or 11 years old. As time passes, many “that one person” happen in their lives. Mental, physical, emotional attachments happen and break.

Will this leave today’s kids unable to have a rock solid relationship that our parents had? Trust becoming a big issue in life? Will it lead to a day where it is all open marriages and any kind of relationship with anyone is accepted?

I see these relationships and trauma harms them, damages them, and troubles them. Jilted lovers killing themselves, their ex-lovers, taking revenge and the number of such cases, supports the fact that they are getting emotionally damaged.

Are we in the making of an “emotionally damaged generation”??

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Check List – For Happiness - In a Relationship

Love leads to marriage, right? And that is a long process, with a long courtship. This long courtship gives lot of room for people to grow, people to change. So, we all know not all the love stories become marriage stories. There is no ‘if, then’ to it, or that is what we want to believe. Anyway, here is a list of areas on which two people in a relationship should think, I think.

This also has some points that focus more on areas when you are thinking of taking your relationship to the next level. I have written as if I am telling all these to a girl. (Boys, modify and use all that applies)

1. Your happiness is important

a. Any physical abuse, mental torture, threatening, black mailing, a slightest hint of any of this is a signal you should think about the relationship

b. If you are not happy with the relationship, then it will not work anyway. I know it’s hard, but people change, things, circumstances, emotions, feelings all of these change. Do a rain check!

c. Don’t do it because you decided, committed, promised and want to stick to your decision. When the feeling is not driving it, the decision will not hold on for long.

2. Don’t stick to a relationship

a. Just because you had sex

b. Because you lost your virginity to that person

c. Because you are scared to break up

d. Because, every time you want to move on, you are being convinced to stay!

3. It is ok to break up

a. Are you with him only because you have been with him for so long now that you cannot think of anything else but adjust to anything and everything that comes up?

b. When you are not happy, when you have considered all possibilities and you see that it is not going to work in the long run, it is good to break up now. It will cause pain in the short run, but it will be for your long term good.

4. How open is he about the relationship

a. If you are asked to hide it all, you should think about it. When it is established that you two are with each other, hiding it from your friends is not something that will be asked for.

5. Do you trust him?

a. Is he a liar? Does he get angry often? Is he emotionally balanced? Is he possessive? Clings on too much? Runs away from you when you are in trouble? Talks a lot but fails to perform or deliver? Can you really invest all your emotions for a life with him? Look at the long term and the big picture when you are thinking of taking it to another level.

6. Does he have a bright future? Can he manage a family by himself in some days?

a. How does he manages his finances is not only about what he spends on you, but mainly on how much he saves, invests, plans for the future and so on. Don’t get blinded by the colors you see.

b. You might end up having a kid in a year or two, might end up quitting your job, might end up in need of finances, and is he responsible enough to manage all these?

7. What kind of family is he from?

a. Though caste might play its role, I am not talking about that here. Knowing how open his family is, how this relationship will be accepted, how educated and cultured are his family members’, these things help a lot. There has to be a match between how you have been brought up and how that family is.

8. Will his and your parents accept this relationship whole heartedly?

a. Though you might think now that we two will live by ourselves, we will not need any support from any side of the family, when problems crop up, it may seem difficult to manage. If not for anything else, you would need some emotional support from immediate families. So, knowing if this relation will be accepted whole heartedly is a must.

9. Do you respect him and does he respects you?

a. When in love, you look at love, romance and other colorful things. But to have a relationship last for a lifetime, the other qualities that matter a lot are trust and respect for each other. Do you value each others opinions, give space, respect each other and trust each other? If not, think again before you move further.

10. Does he shows how much he loves you or is it just words?

a. Does he talk colorful stuff but makes excuses, trust me it is going to continue forever. Believe in that you see, what is delivered, what was done, more than what you hear, what was told, promised or planned.

11. Does he take responsibilities at home and lives up to a mature human being?

a. Does he own a dog? A fish tank? Some pet? Has he trained his dog, cleans up after the dog, feeds it, takes it for a walk every day, in total, can he take responsibilities and manage them?

b. Does he helps his mom or dad or is he the “get me the towel” when in the shower types?

12. How do you manage your finances and emotions connected to it?

a. Does he gifts’ you so much that you feel indebted?
b. Have you been with him even before you started working and he gave you money?
c. Do you pay him a lot? Does he make up reasons to ask you money?
d. How does the equation remain when you both work?
Money does has a very strong influence on relationships

13. How is his value system?

a. I don’t care for anyone else but you, really? Then he might not care for you too very soon.
b. I don’t care about the money, what matters is your happiness! He may be stealing someone elses happiness to make you happy.
c. Do you both have similar values about material and emotional stuff?
d. Understand what he values and what not.

14. It’s ok, if you don’t marry ever!

a. Yes, why not? If you are independent and know you can be by yourself all long, then go ahead and be firm. The people who love you, who matter to you, and whom your happiness matters, they will understand this. Don’t care about others.

15. Think again, why are you in this relationship now?

a. Oh, I started it when I was 14 and I can’t imagine my life without him, even though we are not in happy terms now
b. I wanted to teach a lesson to my parents, friends, someone else
c. All my friends have a relationship, how can I be alone?
d. Oh! He is the best charmer at my college/work place/ etc. Though I know he might be cheating on me, I like the attention I get for being with him
e. Oh, we know it won’t work, but we really can’t stop ourselves!
f. I can adjust to anything that comes my way
g. We had sex and since then I see him as my husband
h. I am threatened, forced and compelled to be in this relationship
i. Think again why you are in this relationship!


Share, ask for help, make an informed decision, it is your life, after all. Consider your happiness too.

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Taking the Leap; blindly – My life is mine after all!!!

“Suma has taken sanyasa and has left to an ashram in a remote place in Kerala / Tamil Nadu”.

Today, Akshaya Tritiya, I was at the inauguration of the new temple building at the mutt. I went there to offer my prayers and be there for few minutes. I love that place anyway. I went there by 4:45 times and went to the prayer hall straight; where a lot of devotees were chanting some stotras. I saw “P” there, one of my friends from the Mutt. She went out of the prayer hall and I followed her just to catch up with her. As soon as I approached her, she got excited and started off, “how are you akka? It has been so long, you have not come here for so many Saturdays, what happened?” and all that. I answered it all and it was my turn for questions, and the first one was, how are you all? How is Suma, PV and all doing?

The answer I heard shook me off. Suma was an engineering graduate, had just finished her course and was working with the Mutt, doing all the computer work that was needed. She was a sweet kid. Very active, motivated by the words of a great saint and had read a lot. I liked and admired her spirit and wanted her to have a bright future and a good life.

She is the only kid of her parents, who had let her pursue spiritual path, work for a spiritual place, when a lot of others would stop their kids from doing so. I also heard that, her mom had fallen ill after this news. Her dad is asking her to come back, not marry if she does not want to, but stay with them, doing what she likes to do.

She took the leap, jumped off the cliff; she jumped off, without getting tied to any rope. It is her life, and she did what she wanted to. I know I am no one to judge, but I still am. Aren’t I? When I think, whether what she did was the right thing or not? And it bothers me much more, because there were situations where even I wanted to jump, but I did not. I held on to the ropes. This one incident is making me think about every other decision I have made in my life.

A good friend of mine told me, “you can live your dreams, but not at the cost of others”. I agreed, but did I do so, as that is what I wanted to hear, or do I really mean to agree? Another friend said it’s a tradeoff we all do. Another in similar lines stating, he has seen many such ‘taking the leap’ people.

I also wonder, was she ready for such a jump? She is a small kid, I mean; 22 – 23 is not an age where you can call someone experienced in life right? She had just opened her eyes; she is just a baby. She forsook it all, not knowing what she is forsaking and jumped off to becoming something she does not know.

I am not God, I know, so I cannot judge what is right or not. But being the human that I am, I will be puzzled for some more time, days at least wondering about everything.

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

ಬೇಲಿ, ದಣಪೆ ಮತ್ತು ಭಗವಂತ

from here http://ittigecement.blogspot.in/2014/04/blog-post.html

to here http://dinakarmoger.blogspot.in/2014/04/blog-post_14.html#comment-form

and then,

ಅವನ ಮನೆ ಸೇರುವಷ್ಟರಲ್ಲಿ ನಾನು ಬೆವತು ಹಣ್ಣು. ಅಲ್ಲಿ ಏನೇನು ಆಗಬಹುದು ಊಹಿಸಿಯ ಮನಸ್ಸುಹಕ್ಕಿ ಹಾಗೆ ಹಾರಡಿತ್ತು. ನನ್ನ ನಾಚಿಕೆ, ಅವನ ಹೊಗಳಿಕೆ, ಅಯ್ಯಯ್ಯೊ... ಅಬ್ಬಬ್ಬಾ...

ನನಗಾಗಿಯೇ ಕಾದಿದ್ದ ಅವನು...

ಮೊದಲು ಟೀ ನಂತರ ಫೈಲ್ ಕೆಲಸ ಎಂದ...

ಹಾರುತ್ತಿದ್ದ ನನ್ನ ಎದೆಯನ್ನು ಹಿಡಿದು ಅಡಿಗೆ ಮನೆಗೆ ನಡೆದೆ...

ಗ್ಯಾಸ್ ಹಚ್ಚಲು ಲೈಟರ್ ತೆಗೆದೆ...

ಗ್ಯಾಸ್ ಆನ್ ಮಾದಿದೆ... ಅಷ್ಟರಲ್ಲಿ ಅವನು ಅಡುಗೆ ಮನೆ ಬಾಗಿಲಿಗೆ ಬಂದ...

ಅವನ ತುಂಟ ನಗು ನೋಡುತ್ತಾ ನಿಂತೆ ನಾನು... ಮಾತಿಗೆಳೆದ ಅವನು...

ಗ್ಯಾಸ್, ಸದ್ದೇ ಇಲ್ಲದೆ, ವಾಸನೆಯೂ ಇಲ್ಲದೆ ಅಡುಗೆ ಮನೆಯ ಗಾಳಿಯನ್ನು ಆವರಿಸಿಕೊಳ್ಳುತ್ತಿತ್ತು... ಅದರ ಅರಿವು ಇಬ್ಬರಿಗೂ ಇರಲಿಲ್ಲ

ಫೋನ್ ರಿಂಗ್ ಆದದ್ದು ಕೇಳಿ, ಅವ, ಟೀ ಮಾಡು, ಅಲ್ಲೇ ಬಾ, ಮಾತಾಡೋಣ ಎಂದು ಹೇಳಿ ಹಾಲ್ ಗೆ ನಡೆದ...

ಫೋನ್ ನಲ್ಲಿ ಅವನು ಹಾಯ್ ಎಂದು ನನ್ನ ಪತಿಯ ಹೆಸರು ಹೇಳಿದಾಗ ಕನಸಿನ ಲೋಕದಲ್ಲಿದ್ದ ನಾನು ವಾಸ್ತವಕ್ಕೆ ಬಂದಿದ್ದೆ...

BhaShe

Schizophrenia

May be, he loves me
Though I don’t see it
I’d rather believe it

I know am on high guards
I know am in a strong shell
But you can’t stop me from dreaming

Why should I believe you?
For that matter any one?
My ears hear different music

May be, he does not even exist
But, that is true in your reality
Mine has nothing to do with yours

BhaShe

Kitchens – The not-usually-seen ones

I have made it very clear how much I hate cooking. If it was not, now you know! But the irony is I love eating. If you have seen me, you have seen how evident it is. If you have not, then, blame your luck! This background information is furnished just to tell you that I visited some kitchens that are not seen by us on a daily basis.

I know somebody at Domino’s and I have been asking this person to show me the kitchen (I have become such a frequent visitor to Domino’s that I know 2 – 3 people there). He kept denying saying that its evening, the kitchen might be messy and so on. One fine afternoon, I was there and then suddenly it occurred to me that its afternoon and the day has just started and the kitchen would be ready for a visit. And, yes, I was given a kitchen tour.

The cold storage, I liked it there, I think it was 0 or -4 degree temperature and it was nice. All veg and non-veg stuff stored separately, their packaging, how materials come there and how they turn into a pizza and all that. Then I saw the preparation area, where the pizza gets prepared.

You have heard the order takers scream “refresh” once the order is placed right? That is for the screen near the preparation area where they get to see the order and make it. They have the cut veggies stored there, the toppings n all that we eat.

Then the oven, where a pizza is done in 6 minutes, yes. The raw one is put on the conveyor which carries it inside the oven, keeps it moving n after 6 minutes when it comes out, it will be ready to eat. Nice right?

Then the packaging area, where the order number is stuck to a shelf and the pizzas get cut, packed and gets ready to deliver. It’s all a very beautiful process.

It’s a very small kitchen compared to what I saw in a KFC.

After this visit to Domino’s I was curious about the other most important junk food I eat, burgers. As I have a KFC close to my house, one Saturday evening, I decided to pay a visit n spend some time knowing how they cook.

KFC has a really long kitchen, 4 levels or steps as I recollect. One cold storage and one freezer area, pre-preparation areas, preparation areas, one ready-to-eat-made-ready space and the sales counter.

I had seen the cold storage area but deep freezing, oh my god, it was freezing. The temperature was at -20 degrees and I ran out of the area as soon as I can. They also have a normal storage space where groceries are stored.

KFC gets cut veggies by a vendor, and guess that is how it works at other places too. Though I wished to see something getting done, because of lack of orders at that time, I only got to see the spaces and the equipments used.

The ovens, the deep frying area, the rice making place, the preparation area, it is again a very nice process. They purify the oil (used to deep fry) every day but change it once a week, made me think if I should eat at KFC anymore. Taste won and logic lost.

I have some more kitchens in my head now. Would you want to join me to explore some more kitchens?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Transition

Happily married then,
Much happily divorced now

Then, it was all plans for two
Now, it's one, lot plans are now
Then, it was cozy places and corner seats
Now, it is lonely walks and self treats

Then, it was long nights on bed
Now, it is longer nights with good books
Then, it was compromise and adjustments
Now, it is priorities and my own trends

Then, it was shared smiles and bitter words
Now, it is fights with self and connected chords
Then, it was egos, tears, share and care
Now it is "I am the Queen of my World and I don't care"

Was that better or is this the best?
No such question, as it is all part of the quest
It is a transition from married to divorced
In the journey of life, nothing should be devoid.

BhaShe

Songs of the Hunger

Songs of the hunger
Are not made, but are born
Are sung from the stomach, not heart
Are powerful than anything else

Songs of the hunger
Are crude, rude and natural
They reach the heights and the lows
That are otherwise impossible

Songs of the hunger
Are from the earth and the skies
They bring out the best of what is
Colors and shades, smells and fragrances

Songs of the hunger
Come along with blood and tears
They are the true self of pain and pleasure
They are feelings and emotions ‘songified’

BhaShe

A day Trip to Penukonda

Don’t get Penukonda confused with Penugonda, I did and I was shocked. How am I supposed to reach this place in 3 hours from Mekhri circle, how is a KSRTC or an APSRTC bus gonna travel 800+ kms in 3 hours? Was Ramesh joking? Ramesh is so dead! Hey, hold on, was it Penugonda or Penukonda? He said it’s near Ananthpur, oh, hmm… my bad! Its penukonda and it’s only 140+ kms from Banglalore on the way to Hyderabad. Stupid me.

So, the occasion was my dear sweet neighbor Ramesh’s wedding. I had to go, and I did, today.

Got up at 5:30, (planned was 4:30!), tried those 2 dresses that I thought I would still fit in and I could not breath when I wore them. The third one did fit in and that’s the one for the day. Should I take a shawl? Yes, no, yes no, ok, forget it, am going to a dry area, no need of warm clothes. So, I was ready and was at Mekhri circle early enough.

‘There is a bus once every 10 minutes, take the one that comes through Bagepalli and not Hindupur, you will reach in two and half hours”, I waited and waited and waited, no bus at all. ‘Ramesh, you are so dead’. Well, how long did I wait? I was still home at 6:15 AM, and I might have left by then, would have reached the bus stop only by 6:30 or 6:40 and I got a bus at 7. God! That’s not too long! Bangalore has made me impatient, or was it the lack of music in my ears? Well, whatever, it felt as if I waited for hours to get that bus.

It was an APSRTC luxury bus. Is it still called APSRTC? Guess so. So, I have boarded this bus and it goes through Bagepalli. Nice start! The journey I started long back on the Hyderrabad highway, that was unfinished, was restarted today, but just to reach till Penukonda.

New route, I did not want to sleep, as I wanted to enjoy the beauty of the journey. I felt it was a dry area. It was a cloudy day, and chill at 7. I did doze off for some time. Read Oh Manase on the way, holding a Kannada magazine in an APSRTC bus where everyone else was reading Telgu granted me some gazes.

Ramesh told, ‘I am going to handover my phone to Anil, so, as soon as you get down at the bus stop, call me, I will get someone sent to the bus stop to get you picked’. So, I thought I would inform him am coming, so, I called, and called and called, no one picked up. Next option was to call Mani. I did and a lady picked up and said, ‘sorry wrong number’! Holy! What am I gonna do now? I do not have an invitation as he ran out of them when he invited me, a sms is what I have and it just says alight at penukonda stop! No! Ramesh, you are so dead! Ah! I remember the wedding is at vasavi kalyana mantap. I think I should be able to reach there!

Help came in the form of my build owner, as I called her, she gave me Mani’s other number and told that the venue is close to bus stop and any auto guy would take me there without much of trouble. Now I was sure that I will get there.

When my friends put up picture of their speeding car at 160 or 180 and mention that it was on the Hyderabad highway, I wondered, but now I know how and why they do that. Road is amazing, also it’s very boring, as its very dry, or is it because it’s almost summer and it’s dried up? Well, in any case, for the ones like me who are from the typical rainy regions of Karnataka, the Western Ghats, everything else is dry.

When I googled Penukonda, I knew there is a fort, but did not search enough to find more about it. I regret that now. As I got there, I saw boards indicating ‘way to the fort’. When I asked Anil if it is a place to visit, he laughed at me. I hope he was right, but if you tell me now that he was wrong, am gonna feel bad and am gonna make another trip.

Also, I wish I was there with my dad. Where ever we go, me and dad, we ensure to roam around the city to whatever extent we can and visit places there. I missed you Dad.

I reached the venue; the wedding was done in due time, met them and wished them, done. Lunch was done by 1:15, met the bride and groom again, said bye and left the place at 1:30.

I reach the APSRCT bus stop. I asked to get dropped there because I thought that is “The Bus Stop” and all buses would come there. Well, I do not know Telgu, I hope you all know that. So, am at the bus stop, I go the enquiry section and ask the person there ‘when is the next bus to Bangalore’, he says, at 2:15 or 2:30. Holy! Why, again! Ramesh had told there is a bus every 10 minutes, he is so dead. I ask again, what about KSRTC buses, the APSRTC person makes a face and says I have no details on their timings.

I was disappointed and went and sat, but hey, why are those people waiting outside the bus stop, oh, there comes a bus, let me see where that goes, it’s a KSRTC bus and yeah, it goes to Bangalore. As I sat down, I understood, the KSRTC buses won’t come inside an APSRTC bus stop and if I had waited inside, I would have been a real fool. Thank god!

Again, Hyderabad highway, because I had dozed off coming here, I decided again to stay awake. Oh Manase and music for my company. I saw Mango orchards but trees without any sign of any fruits. Also, there were many Vineyards, and the agriculturist in me got inquisitive. I wish I get to go to a vineyard, understand the cultivation process, eat some grapes there and come. I really want to do that, but how? Whom to contact? Many questions! Hopefully I will figure that out soon.

I did doze off on the way back too and I think I did not miss much. Was back at Mekhri at 4:30 PM! A short, nice, memorable trip to Penukonda was over like this!

BhaShe

The Memory Test

This is a story of my life that I got reminded of recently, I don’t know why. I believe that I am still the way I was when this incident happened. Before this story gets lost in my brain again, I am writing it down.

I was in either 6th or 7th standard. We used to have hobli, taluk and district level competitions for singing, group dance, general knowledge, quiz, don’t know what not and for memory. You would have already guessed what a memory test is. Some 50 odd items are kept in a classroom and all the participants are asked to have a look at these items for about 5 or 10 minutes and write them down in the next 10 or 15 minutes. Yeah! That’s the game I am talking about.

I had won the hobli level competition and had progressed to the next level that is taluk level. These competitions were normally held at different schools every year. I think that year it was held at Kottigehara or jawali or some other place. Me, other winners from my school and our teacher went to the competition.

Other competitions were in progress and we were sitting/standing in the school premises waiting for our completions to start. As I had nothing to prepare for, some causal talks were also going on. I don’t remember exactly how and why it happened, I think we went in search of a place to sit, and happened to notice an open window of a classroom which had the items set for the memory test.

If you participate/win in a district level competition, there is some certification and recognition. To get there, one has to win the taluk level competition. This is also an honor to the school.

My teacher told me to have a detailed look at the items, write them down and memorize them, so that I win the competition. Along with a friend of mine, I went near the window to have a clear view of all the items listed there.

I looked at those items for a couple of minutes and I came back. I told my teacher that I do not want to participate in the competition. She asked my friend who had accompanied me to participate. He agreed. He went and listed all the items down and participated and won the competition there. The school had incurred my travel expenses which went for a waste because I did not participate.

I could not compete because I knew from inside that it was not right. I don’t remember what reasons I gave to my teacher but I definitely did not tell her my inner feeling. I was in 6th or 7th standard then. Am sure most of us agree winning a competition is always an achievement. I did not participate.

I think am still the same.

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Draupadi - The fear!

Don’t make any judgments based on the title here! All I intend to do, by giving this title is to showcase the fear of getting naked in public. Have you ever felt the fear of a major wardrobe malfunction in public? A wardrobe malfunction which will leave you with only basic garments on your body and which will leave you damaged for the rest of your life. I have something to share.

This was 2 or 3 years ago. Then, I used to stare at the sarees I have and feel bad for not wearing them at all. The ones which I cannot wear to any function, because they are not grand enough, were lying in my cupboard unused. One day I told myself, well, I’ll wear these sarees to work whenever I feel like.

The first day I did that, the response was overwhelming (well, all the complements from my colleagues made me feel so good that saree has become my medicine for depression). That day I decided to wear sarees often. That evening when I was on my way home, it started raining. It’s a 15 minutes’ walk from the bus stop to my house and as I carry an umbrella all the time, I started walking in the rain.

If you know and understand how a saree is worn, you know that the beginning of a saree is stuck into the petticoat. Imagine the beginning of the saree coming out. It’s an inner layer, so, you won’t be able to tuck it back in without taking off your saree or lifting it to a length that will not be decent. You will not even have easy access to get to the beginning, and also, as it comes out, there is a high chances that you might trip on it and fall down. Set of troubles!

As I was walking towards my home, I saw that my saree was coming down, and I realized that the beginning of my saree has come out from the clutches of my petticoat and I was stumbling on it. Just one more time it goes beneath my feet and I take a long step, my saree will be on the road!!! OMG!!! It’s a rainy evening, muddy road and a lot of people have taken shelters in the nearby shops waiting for the rain to stop, staring at the road. I was about to face a life scarring wardrobe malfunction.

Thankfully I got to know what is happening and what would happen if I continue. I halted, held the rest of the saree tight and started walking like a tortoise. I did reach home with my dignity held up high! Thank god for no malfunction on the road.

After this incident, I learnt a trick from my aunt. Put a knot to the beginning of the saree and tuck it inside the petticoat. This won’t let the saree to come out from that end easily! I do that and it’s a success, or that’s what I thought till recently.

This one is a very recent incident.

After finishing work, I was running towards the bus stop as it was already 9:30 in the evening. I was wearing a saree again this day. As it was cold, I had covered myself with a shawl. As it was late, I was walking very fast. Just when I was around the corner, I felt that my saree is coming down again, from the same end! What the hell! I had put the knot!

I rushed into a hotel nearby, and found a very small loo there. Thank god! I took the shawl off to see what is wrong! Sigh! Relief, it’s just my pallu which has come down from the wrong end! There is nothing wrong with the saree, it’s all fine, and I was just paranoid. I put the shawl back and ran to the bus stop.

You think I have stopped wearing saree now? Naa… these things can’t kill my spirit (or can’t kill my hunger for some complements once a while). ;) But I did feel the fear, I guess I know how Draupadi would have felt when she was dragged into the “sabhangana”.

BhaShe

Inhuman Sexual Behaviors

I am utterly disturbed since yesterday afternoon. When I am busy, these thoughts won’t bother me, but as soon as I am free, only this thing runs in my head. What is happening? Why?

Yesterday afternoon I started reading my favorite magazine “omanase”. In the counseling section of the magazine, a lady writes about her problem. The problem is, her husband, who is a professor, is a womanizer, he has slept with anything that is called a female, and he sleeps with his daughters too. His daughters are so addicted that they call him to bed too. This not just when they were 13 and did not know what was going on, but also when they are grown up, married and have kids. How is this even possible? How can I digest this? This is a true story and I mean, what the hell?

I tell this to a friend of mine who gives me 2 such cases in a minute, a man, who sleeps with his mom and sister and another one who sleeps with a lot of females including his aunt (dad’s sister).

What happened to “a husband and wife should have sex only when they desire to have a baby, else restrain from such activities” the sages story? Well, I agree that is very old school. We moved from that to unlimited sex and birth control, to having sex before marriage with the one whom you are going to marry, to unfaithful marriages and affairs, to having sex with an attractive person when you desire, to separating sex from love, to open marriage,s to one night stands. But this? Having sex with father, mother, brother, sister, daughter, aunt, I mean, isn’t it worse than animals?

You might say it’s a one in a million case. I have not done any research on this topic but 2 examples for one story I narrate, I mean, it has to be a one in a hundred case then! How else can the math work?

Where are we losing our values? Where is it going wrong in the system? My stomach hurts when I read this and feel sorry, restless and helpless. What weirdness is this?

What do I do? How can this be corrected? How can we bring in values to lives? How can we identify such people and give them proper advise, medication, counseling and cure them? This is an illness, a problem, a disorder.

I am still speechless and lost in the whirl of these thoughts.

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Used

Use is a bad term but still I have to say
Every time I use you, I feel you leave a layer on me
The comfort, pleasure and sweet feeling
When I am with you, I feel the joy of being free

I do it without guilt, am built that way
I have no shame, morale or value per say
I pity you, feel bad, but still use you
For my own comfort and for my own play

I know I don’t treat you the way you deserve
I hurt you, trash you and put you in bad conditions
Still you stay with me, ready to serve
How can I ever thank you for your dedication

You know you are not only in my space
Still you stay, not being jealous or possessive
You know I just use you, only for my comfort
But you still give your life, without regret

Oh! My dear bathing bar, how do I thank you?
For helping me keep clean, be smell free
I feel your moisture on my skin after every wash
The few minutes with you, each day is bliss and glee

BhaShe

ಕನಸಲ್ಲಿ ಕಡಲೆಗಿಡ

ಛಳಿಗಾಲ
ಅವರೆಯ ಸೊಗಡಿನೊಂದಿಗೆ, ಕಡಲೆಯ ಗಿಡವನೂ ತಂತು
ನಾನು
ಅವರೆಯ ಅನುಭವಿಸಿ ಕಡಲೆ ಗಿಡಕ್ಕೆ ಹುಡುಕಾಡಿದೆ

ಖಾಲಿಯಾಗಿ ಒಣಗಿ ರಸ್ತೆಯಲಿ ಧೂಳಾಗಿದ್ದ ಕಂಡಾಗ
ಹುಡುಕಲಾರಂಬಿಸುತ್ತೆ ನನ್ನ ಕಣ್ಣುಗಳು
ಯಾರಾದರೂ ಕೈಲಿ ಹಿಡಿದಿರುವುದು ಕಾಣಿಸಿದರಂತೂ
ಹೋಗಿ ಕೇಳಿ ಬಿಡಲೇ ಎಲ್ಲಿ ಕೊಂಡಿರೆಂದು?

ಕನಸಿನಲ್ಲೂ ಕಡಲೆ ಗಿಡವೇ ನನ್ನ ಭಾಗ್ಯಕ್ಕೆ?
ಮಾರಲೊಲ್ಲದ ವ್ಯಾಪಾರಿ, ಬಿಡಲೊಲ್ಲದ ನಾನು
ಆ ರುಚಿಗಾಗಿ ಎಷ್ಟು ಹಾತೊರೆಯುತ್ತಿದೆ ಮನ
ಎಲ್ಲಿರುವೆ, ಎಲ್ಲಿರುವೆ, ಮನವ ಕಾಡುವ ಕಡಲೆ ಗಿಡವೇ?

ಒಂದು ಕಟ್ಟು, ಅರ್ಧ ಕೇಜಿ, ಸಿಕ್ಕರೆ ಸಾಕೀಗ ನನಗೆ
ಒಂದು ವರ್ಷದ ತನಕ ಖುಷಿಯಗಿರುವೆ
ನಿಮಗೆ ಸಿಕ್ಕರೆ ಕೊಟ್ಟು ಪುಣ್ಯ ಕಟ್ಟಿಕೊಳ್ಳಿ ದೇವರೇ
ಹಸಿ ಕಡಲೆ ಕಾಳಿನ ರುಚಿಗೆ ಮನ ಕಾದು ಕಾವಲಿಯಾಗಿದೆ

ಭಾಶೇ

Poet

I only write
That’s my thoughts
How you read it
Is in your head
I can’t influence
What you understand
For what you read
Don’t blame me

If you like what I write
You have a reason to it
If you don’t like it
You have reasons again
I won’t know them
I don’t want to
What I see is
The world I portray

What you understand
How you interpret
What you take
And what you leave
Is all up to you
I only offer
Taking or not
Is always your decision

Take what fits you
Leave the rest
Am sure there are takers
Am sure am been ignored too
But till the time
I know that I am being read
Or maybe even after that
Am sure I still will write

BhaShe!

Mummified Feelings

All my emotions are mummified
Every time I read a poem
It tells me a story from the past

I won’t destroy my poems on you
Though it was all a lie to you
For me, all my emotions were true

When I grow old, grow out of the hurt
I’ll read these poems to myself
And recall what had been, long ago

I know the scars would still be visible
I know it will refresh my memories
But then, what else can be the best use of past?

No hard feelings, no tears, no pain then,
I’d laugh at my emotions, as I recall
When I open the mummified memories

BhaShe

Dedicated: To that one person who was good and bad at the same time, for a very short time!

Groping – the Menace

As we have progressed, I think people have found new ways to abuse women, new ways to hurt physically, mentally and emotionally. If I were to write about everything I have heard, seen, witnessed or gone through, then I can make another blog on it or make it a series. Well, I do plan to make a series on sexual and other form of abuses though. That’s another day’s discussion, another day’s plan. Now, let’s come back and focus on groping.

The definition on the internet and Wikipedia say it is a form of molestation. A body part is pressed, pinched or rubbed against, without the consent of the person is called groping. You will find a lot of information on what groping is, how it is considered in different countries and so on, on the internet. Well, information is good, but when you are actually in the situation, that is when you will know how it actually feels to be groped.

It’s done in seconds. You are in a crowded place and a hand appears from nowhere and presses your breast. By the time you realize what happened and turn back to see who did it; the person would have vanished in the crowd. Sometimes you get to see his face, or grab his hand to hurt him.

You feel angry, frustrated, agitated, helpless, scared, there is a rush of lot of emotions. You probably try to hit him if you get a chance or otherwise you walk off like nothing happened. Does a lump in your throat appear just as you go through this that you fail to scream, you fail to make it public. Or do you fear that even if you scream, no one cares, no one helps and you think you will be embarrassed?

Why do people do this? Grope? What does one get by this? I have a list of questions actually! Is it an illness? Can this behavior be corrected? Is it based on the upbringing, or is it a mental condition, what is it? Why do people do this? Should one be punished or taken to a doctor?

I think I will hear voices which will say punish them. Getting physical the only form of reaction to such an incident and hit them hard and hurt them so that before they think of groping someone else, they will think 1000 times. However, I think, if they had it in them to think, why would they be doing anything like this? I don’t know. I have heard people tell me they punched that “beeped word” in their face, hit him, hurt him. Yes, you get your anger out, but will that make any difference? Will that make that person not do it again?

Can this be taken to the police? I don’t know this either. Will they take complaint on groping seriously? Or the person who went to complain has to face embarrassment? I don’t know. Would you tell this to your father, brother or husband? Would you tell this to your best buddy? Your girl? What would you do if this happens to you?

This might be going too far, but I think police, psychiatrists/psychologists/counselors and a bunch of young people, in cooperation, should form teams to catch these gropers and get them to the right path. I won’t worry about me, but I worry about my little sister, my best friend, my mom or my daughter who would have to face this. I want to feel safe for me, for them and I want them to feel safe as well. There has to be a way out, it might be case by case basis but there will be things that will be common.

How can we cure this illness from our society?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Azeem Bolar – The HELP

You google his name and you will find enough details about who he is, what he does, how has his life’s journey been and everything. There are a lot of articles, videos, news releases and what not, that tell you about him. Everything you need to know about him is already there. But the question is why would you google about him? How would you know that a man named “Azeem Bolar” exists? Unless you have heard of him or met him and know that he is help.

Not everyone who is in trouble identifies that he is in trouble, and not everyone who knows he is in trouble wants a solution. Most of them just whine about it. There are few, who figure that there is trouble in life, and professional help is needed to solve it. When you are that person, one of the people whom you can reach out to, is Azeem Bolar.

He is blind, but we fail to see what he sees, different perspectives to life. His life itself is a motivational story. His beliefs, his positive and never give up attitude, that itself is enough for someone to feel motivated and positive about life. Also, the detailing that he gives, his talks, makes one think, wakes one up from the slumber and then soothes, lightens and calms down ones troubled mind/heart and helps clear the clouds that blurred ones vision.

“When did you become god?” a question that he asks, that make you think. Think again and again and again and see that you are not God. That question is enough to bring peace back to you and Make you look outside like it is meant to be. Well, I don’t want to write much. You will know the value of something only when it is needed badly. I know it!

Azeem Bolar is help.

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Happiness!

Sometimes years are spent in minutes and
Sometimes seconds take years to pass
Time has its own way to transcend and transform
To teach and to make living better by day!

It’s like waking up from a sweet dream and
Still feeling the beauty of it, around
Like world unwinds its colors slowly
Beauty is the only word I have!

Being true to emotions, true to oneself,
True to the inner conscious, follow the morals
Living the values that our fathers taught
And living, knowing that it’s all gonna end!

Peace of mind and lots of hope
Sincerity, honesty and applied life lessons
Knowing that I am doing the right thing for all
Gives such a peace and joy to the heart!

Enjoy the life, as you wish, as you deserve,
Harm no one, hurt no one, be the best you can!
It’s all temporary, momentary, know that well,
And live such way, that you die with pride and honor!

BhaShe

Perspectives

If I were to die today…

I’d love to spend it with you,
Just sit with you all day long
Laugh, cry, talk, hug, eat, donno what!
And love you and make love to you,
Not worry about anything
Just enjoy the most with you
Make the best out of what I have
Forget the pain you caused
Forgive all your mistakes
Love you like nothing happened in the past
As I’ll not have a tomorrow

In short, what I wanna say is,
I still love you a lot
I have not forgotten anything
Both the good and the bad we had

But unfortunately, I believe I am gonna live, so

I can’t love or desire you
I can’t put myself in that position
Where I need to beg you badly for love everyday
I can’t put myself in pain
I can’t feel bad about myself again
I can’t feel low and cry often
I can’t listen to your lies and excuses
I can’t get ill-treated by you again
I can’t and don’t want to go through again
As I think you wouldn’t have changed a bit!

So, I will keep the anger, sad and what you did,
I will keep the pain you caused in the past
And I will make it help me forget you
As I believe I have a lot to do, lot to live
I don’t wanna hurt myself again
By confessing my love to you one more time!

BhaShe

Preparing for Pain

This morning, I spoke to her, she was very hurt, her dad had passed away and she could not go to see his face for the last time. It was an unexpected death. His health condition was normal and such a sudden death was not expected, even though he was hospitalized for 10 days. He moved on and now his family need to accept this sudden change and start living with it.

Not just people, relationships also die. Sometimes you can predict it and expect it to happen any moment and a lot of other times it just happens. One has to adjust only after its occurrence.

All of us come with an expiry date written on our forehead (if you believe that is place where god writes our future and his wills ;)), and I think so does every relationship. Sometimes people die before the relationship expires and sometimes relations die.

Also, like I said, some relations give hints that they are about to die, you could predict it, you could plan to adjust even before it actually happens. Like a bed ridden old man! You know he is not going to get up and become active, you know he is walking towards the doors of death, you know it may be today or tomorrow. So you understand, you accept and you are prepared for it to happen. Still you hurt. Even after knowing that he was walking on a one way road, you hurt. But do you hurt as much as you would have if it were unexpected?

Like an accident! You had no clue that the one you loved would be no more, you cannot see him alive the next time. Like a sudden break up, when you thought everything was going fine. Like a striking lightening! You were completely unprepared for such a shock in life and it happens. Friends, lovers, parents, siblings, we lose people whom we love in just a second. It’s like destiny’s destructive plan, cruelty. It takes a lot of time to accept that this has happened, to understand the reality, and then to adjust one’s life to the new reality.

Can we ever be prepared for all the death and loss that occur? We know we are all going to die one day, so, can we really prepare for it? To reduce the pain? Can we really be prepared for the shocks of life like death, break up or losing someone forever? Will I be called negative if I start a relationship thinking it may not work and end up bad? If I make up my mind and say I can live without anybody, though I love some people around me? Am I wrong then? Am I crazy?

I was in tears when I saw her in tears. It’s just been 3 days she has lost her father, and I was there, in my usual way, making fun, laughing, wishing her for happy festival. She was hurt, badly! I have seen my close ones cry when they lost their loved ones and I don’t like the pain! I don’t like the intensity of that pain. I want to know if there are ways to reduce that pain! Future is supposed to be unpredictable, but can we anticipate? Can we be ready? So that the hurt is that much lesser?

What do you think?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Are Friends/people a necessity of Life?

Why do we need people or society to live? To be alive? I doubt that! Then why do we need people who are called friends, love, relatives, whatever relationship that we have?

Well, during ancient days people were needed to be in groups as hunting was and is still a group activity. (well, human is not the only social animal in that respect, even other animals have their own groups and are social within that, right?) Later, we needed people around for barter system. However, now, when one earns enough to stand on his or her own legs, then why do we need friends? Or people around?

Why is there such a need and pressure to have friends? I even remember watching a movie, where the bride tells her friends that her fiancé does not have friends and they insist on him having some. They tell her about the problems of not having friends and how that will ruin their marriage! He actually goes out to make friends and the movie continues, the movie is called “I love you, man”. The guy ends up with different type of people as his friends!

Is it the need to share? To show off? Status? Belongingness? What is that thing, which drives people to have someone around? If deprived, to lose their mind?

Is it such a necessity to have friends? Or for that matter people around? To share, to go out, to shop, and what all other reasons! Why? Why cannot a human live alone, without any friends or family support on a day to day basis and be happy about it?

Ok, if you are saying you need someone who cares for you, loves you and who considers you as their world and let you have the same feelings, then I have my set of doubts on that as well! How long can one sustain such feelings? How long one will? And I think life time is a very long time to commit to!

That too when you say it is a selfless act! Some actions are done, purely to make the other person happy and expecting nothing in return! Seriously! Do such people really exist?

Again, if there is no selflessness, then why be social? Why yap so much about it? Does anyone do any act just to make someone else happy? I have my own set of doubts about it! When everything is done with a meaning, selfishness, purpose or expectation then only hurt and pain gets generated right, not love and peace! Then why bother disturbing one’s inner peace by being social?

We have psychologists to share our problems and get useful advice! We have books to read, TV to get entertained, strangers to smile, and unknown people to have a chat! Well, you might say now that I am contradicting my own thoughts! But again, I am talking about strangers and professionals and not friends or relatives! Because, whenever I said people, I meant friends and others who are known! An established relationship!

The one who is alone and happy about it, has the rights to decide how connected or disconnected one wants to be with anyone or anything! Stuff like books, music, and so on don’t hurt! Life will pretty much be on our own terms if this is done! So, why be social? Why rely on people with established relationships? Why trust them? Why?

I seek answers!

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Becoming Me!

A very peaceful seashore
Completely disturbed me
Trying to concentrate
To attain moksha in solitude

I think the good and the bad
I think about going beyond thinking
I list the positive and the wrong
And I throw the list into the sea

I focus on the sound of waves
The whisper of breeze in my ears
I focus on the blue sky and water
And I try to see what I am!

A tiny creature on this planet
Who existence won’t make a difference
I search to find a purpose
That could bring about some change

I hope to leave a positive mark
Before I walk off forever
I desire to make something worth
I am waiting for my calling to come

I try to find peace and explore myself
To know me and to become me
I need to throw my list of doubts
And find answers to countless questions!

BhaShe!

Young Adults and Old Parents!

I am even unsure if I should be asking these questions! But, because I see homes where kids have flown away to a different home, city, state or country and old parents stay alone, also I see homes where though they stay together, parents are neglected and treated as if they are for kids use or benefit only, I am asking these questions!

It is kids’ responsibility to take care of parents in their old age? Or do parents need to plan for their last days? How wise is it to ask them to plan? (Have money, home, and people to take care of you or an old age home) How wise is it to expect kids to take care of their parents? What is best? Is there a common formula? What about kids who leave their parents and fly off to different home, city, state or countries? Is sending money enough? Is that the only thing that parents look for, from their kids? Or just one month visit in 2 years a good deal? What about daily necessities? What about emotional need of having kids’ around? Should we judge such kids? Who should? On what? And Why?

What we do to our parents is what we should be expecting from your kids? Or what our parents did to their parents is what we should be doing to them? Is there a best set example for this?

If parents ask their kids to curtail their certain dreams and stay grounded, are they considered to be selfish? Or if kids leave their parents in their old age and wander off to pursue their dreams, should they be called selfish? Is there a point where it can be balanced? Where and how?

Looks like my set of questions on this topic will never end and drag to other things, which will become topic for questions again, so I’ll stop here!

Do you have any answers?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Just Questions!

Just Questions!

Why? When? How? Which? Where? What? Who? Whom? Whose? We use this very often, get answers sometime and get neglected otherwise. Here is a list of questions which I face, hear, want to answer, seek answers for, have answered, so on and so forth! This section of my blog is called “Just Questions”. If you have answers for any of these questions, please write. If you have more questions, please write them too.

Post 1.

Why do people kill themselves? (Yes, I am still hung over by Jiah Khan’s death and the reasons that she listed in her death note) Is love from a particular person so important that without it one cannot live? Or was delivering a baby that is a love’s child is troublesome. Accepting that life is not taking the turns that you want it to, is so very difficult? Is career the only purpose of life? What happens to the love, affection, upbringing and everything else that parents do? How does all of that become negligible in front of some strangers love and make someone kill herself! Why? Is love really worth dying for? For that matter, is anything really worth dying for? What is? And why?

How do we stop this? How do we tell our younger generation that it is okay! It is okay to lose, to get your heart broken, to suffer loss, and go through pain! How do we tell them and we accept ourselves that it is okay! Believe that moving on with life is the best thing to do. How?

Life, a big question! The purpose of it, is! But feeling purposeless is it enough reason to end life? Or is it enough reason to find one?

Answers Please! :)

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

ಮುಕ್ತಿ ಚಿಂತನೆ

ಮಣ್ಣಿನ ದೇಹವಿದು, ಮಣ್ಣಿಗೇ ಹೋಗುವುದು
ಅಳುವುದ್ಯಾಕೆ ಇದರ ಗೋಳುಗಳ ಕಟ್ಟಿಕೊಂಡು?
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಕಣ್ಣುಕತ್ತಲೆ ಬರುವಂತೆ ಹೊಟ್ಟೆ ಹಸಿದಿರುವಾಗ, ಬೆತ್ತಲಿರುವಾಗ
ಚಳಿಯಲಿ ನಡುಗುವಾಗ, ಕೈ ಕಾಲು ಸೆಟೆದುಕೊಳ್ಳುವಾಗ
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಪ್ರೇಮವೆಂದು ಮನಸು ಗೊಂದಲಿಸುವಾಗ
ಕಣ್ಣೀರು, ನಗು, ಕೋಪ, ದ್ವೇಷ, ಜಿಗುಪ್ಸೆ, ಅಹಂಕಾರ, ಅಸೂಯೆಗಳು ಕಾಡಿದಾಗ
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಬಂದು ಬಳಗವು ದುಡ್ಡುಮಾಡಿ ವೈಭವಿಸುವಾಗ
ಇಲ್ಲದ ಸ್ಪರ್ದೆ ಬಂದು ಮನಸ್ಸು ನಕಾರಾತ್ಮಕವಾದಾಗ
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಅಭಾವ ವೈರಾಗ್ಯದ ಸೋರೆ ಬುರುಡೆ ಕಟ್ಟಿಕೊಂಡು
ಸನ್ಯಾಸವೆಂಬ ಬೆಂಕಿ ಬಾವಿಗೆ ಜಿಗಿವ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಯೋಚಿಸಿ
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಮಣ್ಣಿನದೇ ಆದ ದೇಹದಲಿ, ಹೂವಿನಂತ ಮನಸ ಇಟ್ಟು
ಇಲ್ಲಿ ಕಳಿಸಿ ತೊಂದರೆ ಕೊಟ್ಟ ದೇವರ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಬಯ್ಯುತಲೇ
ಅವನ ಪಾದ ಸೇರುವುದ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ? ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಭಾಶೇ

ರೂಪಾಂತರ

ಕಲ್ಲಾದ ನನ್ನೆದೆಯ ಕುಟ್ಟಿ
ಅಡಿಪಾಯ ಕಲ್ಲು, ಜಲ್ಲಿಯಾಗಿಸಿ
ಏನೋ ಸಾಧಿಸಿದೆಯೆಂದು ಮಾಡಿ
ನಿನ್ನ ಮನೆ ಕಟ್ಟಿಕೊಂಡವನೇ

ನುಜ್ಜು ಗೊಜ್ಜಾದ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯ
ತಳಪಾಯವಾಗಿ ಛಾವಣಿಯಾಗಿ
ಗಟ್ಟಿ ಸಿಮೆಂಟಿನೊಂದಿಗೆ ಗಟ್ಟಿಯಾಗಿ
ಮತ್ತೂ ಕಲ್ಲಾಗೇ ಉಳಿದಿದೆ

ಹಲವು ಛಿದ್ರ ಚೂರುಗಳಾಗಿ
ಮತ್ತೆ ಒಂದಾಗದಂತೆ ನೊಂದು
ಮಣ್ಣಾಗಿ, ಧೂಳಾಗಿ ಮತ್ತೆ
ನಿನ್ನನೇ ಸುತ್ತಿ ಸುಳಿಯುತಿದೆ

ಕಲ್ಲಾಗೇ ಇದ್ದಿದ್ದರೆ ಈ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯ
ನನ್ನಲೇ ಇರುತಿತ್ತು, ಎಂದಾದರೂ ಕರಗುತ್ತಿತ್ತು
ಚೂರು ಚೂರಾಗಿ ಹೋಗಿದೆ ಇಂದು
ಹೃದಯರಹಿತೆ ನಾನು ಕಲ್ಲಾಗೇ ಉಳಿದಿರುವೆ.

ಭಾಶೇ

ತುಂಬಿದೆದೆಗಳ ರಾಕ್ಷಸಿ

ಸಂಜೆಗತ್ತಲಲ್ಲಿ ಗಂಟೆ ಎಂಟಾದ ಮೇಲೆ
ಕೆಲ ಜನನಿಬಿಡ ಕೆಲ ನಿರ್ಜನ ಪ್ರದೇಶದಲ್ಲಿ
ಕಾಣಿಸುತ್ತಾಳೆ ಇವಳು, ತುಂಬಿದೆದೆಗಳ ರಾಕ್ಷಸಿ

ತಿರಸ್ಕಾರ ಭರಿತ ನೋಟ, ಕುಹಕ, ಛೀಕಾರ
ಬದುಕಲು ಇದೇ ದಾರಿಯಾಗಬೇಕ? ಮೂದಲಿಕೆ
ಕೆಲವರಿಗೆ ಕುತೂಹಲದ ವಸ್ತು, ಆಕರ್ಷಣೆ

ಬಣ್ಣದ ಚಿಟ್ಟೆಯಂತೆ ಸಿಂಗರಿಸಿಕೊಂಡು
ಎದೆ ಭಾರವ, ಸ್ತ್ರೀ ನಾಚಿಕೆಯ ಪ್ರದರ್ಶಿಸಿ
ಕಾಯುತ್ತ ನಿಂತಿರುತ್ತಾರೆ, ಲಜ್ಜೆಗೆಟ್ಟು? ಮಾನಗೆಟ್ಟು?

ಯಾರದೋ ಮೊದಲ ಸಲದ ಆಸೆಯ ತೀರಿಸಿ
ಇನ್ಯಾರದೋ ಅತಿ ಕಾಮುಕತೆಯ ನೀಗಿಸಿ
ಬೆಳಗಾಗುವುದರೊಳಗೆ ಮಾಯವಾಗುವ ಮಾಯಿನಿಯರು

ತುಂಬಿದೆದೆಗಳ ಹಿಂದೆ ಅವಿತಿರುವ ಭಾವಗಳೆಷ್ಟು?
ಬಣ್ಣ ಕಳೆದ ಮೇಲೆ ಹರಿವ ಕಣ್ಣೀರ ಕಥೆಯೇನು?
ಯಾವ ತಾಯಿ ಹೆತ್ತ ಮಗಳೋ ಹೀಗೆ ಬಾಳಲು?!

ಅರಿವಿರದ ನಿರ್ಲಜ್ಜೆಯಿಂದ ಮೂದಲಿಸುತ್ತೇವೆ ನಾವು
ಅವರ ಬಾಳಿನ ಪಥವ ನಡೆದವರಷ್ಟೇ ಬಲ್ಲರು
ನಿರ್ಭಾವುಕರೇ ಇವರು? ತುಂಬಿದೆದೆಗಳ ಮಾನಿನಿಯರು?

ಭಾಶೇ

Shut Eyes

Busy with my battles,
I shut my eyes

When I opened them today,
Oh! I have missed the growth in you
The colors you have picked up
The blossoms that have flowered
The fruits that have ripen now
Alas! I had shut my eyes

Its lightening, raining, thunder storms
Hailstones fall making a beautiful noise
Walk with an umbrella is music to ears
The cooling breeze makes me sing and dance
I have missed the nature’s bliss,
Alas! I had shut my eyes

There is a new baby, a blissful wedding
A new car, house and holiday hanging
Oh! That color, that dress, that new cuisine,
All that has come, that I wish
I lost days being busy within me,
Alas! I had shut my eyes

I hear new music every minute now,
I see dance in natures every turn
I cherish the sweet, the sour and the bitter
Everywhere I see, its only glitter
Well, it’s all so calm and so very nice
Am glad! I haven’t shut my eyes!

BhaShe!

The one way door out! – Suicide!

Woke up very disturbed this morning, Jiah Khan committed suicide? Heard it on the radio and could not stop thinking about it. What would have gone so bad, so wrong that she killed herself? Didn’t she think of her parents, family, who would be devastated by this act of hers? How and why did she decide to quit? Why did she become so harsh on herself? What went so wrong that she thought it cannot be fixed at all? I am really puzzled and upset.

I know, you might be thinking, that girl made only 3 films, made more controversy than making films, why am I so upset? I am upset because I saw a very daring, sweet, touching girl in her when I saw ‘Nishabd’. I know it’s just a movie, but I liked her, liked her a lot! I kinda felt, she lived one of my dreams. I was happy for her. Somewhere, some point, I saw myself in her. That attitude, that presence, somewhere.

She is no more now! I like to deny that, I do not want to believe it. I am upset. No matter how bad or challenging life goes, I am against suicide, till the point where you have your blood, family surrounded. Am I?
Or is it the thought that, instead of being alive and not just suffer from pain personally, but keep hurting closed ones, it is better to end, put a full stop to both ends.

I don’t know! All I now know is, her death disturbed me, making me think more about life!

In the long run, I may not miss her, I may not even remember her, she might just be a faded memory in life, but yes, I do believe she lived one of my dreams, and that way, we will always be connected!

BhaShe!

Walk on

Every step I take, hurts like crazy
Still I walk further, I go on
I know it hurts for a reason

My body is frozen, but my heart is warm
For the hungry stomach, I give food for thought
I walk further, even when all my ribs hurt

Stones, thorns, pierce my foot
Hailstones hit me and hurt me hard
Though I walk, I am directionless

Pain to pleasure is an awful journey
Path throws up unknown challenges
Every turn I take, shocks me to death

I walk further, alone, strong and weak
Though torn to pieces, putting myself together
I am in search of inner peace, sanity

Not knowing what is real and what is not
Not knowing right or wrong, lightless
I walk on in the dark, even when it hurts to death

BhaShe

Moving Forward

You can’t bathe in the same river twice
It moves forward, says a philosopher
I am moving forward too
Growing old and fat, funny and wise

Life is unique for everyone
It’s like watching modern art
Interpretations and experiences
Give meanings to spread colors

With wide open arms
I enjoy the skies, the blues
Season is changing, from within
New boundaries, new limitations

I am moving forward, everyday
I am growing, getting better, stronger
I am becoming what I am meant to be
A big, strong, beautiful and fruitful tree

BhaShe

You don’t know the angel in you

When I sleep, taking deep breath
I smell the awesomeness you have
Just when I am about to catch
You hop on to your horse and vanish

The good and bad always coexist
As is the beauty and the beast
You do good deeds and bad
Like one is happy and sad

Like the colors collide in a rainbow
Like expressions set our eyebrows
Like in and out our lungs go,
It’s that natural to live a mixed life

Sun rises and sets as earth turns
Mind and body has its poisons to churn
The equal and opposite reaction
Is not something said for the sake of fun

You don’t know the angel in you
You don’t know the demon in you
You use them like they are meant to be
But the angel in you always scores more

BhaShe

Anger

Blood has boiled to a point
We deny identifying each other
All the efforts to make us joint
Has blasted back like a blunder

Fire in our breath
When thought of each other
We grind our teeth
When we see each other

Hate and grudge has sunk in
And made our hearts cold
With all the hurt within
Words are thunder and bold

Desire to tear open
Each other and our chest
Pour out the venom
And give anger some rest

Though the outcome
Is not something I can imagine
But the thought of peace
Makes it sound all worth it

BhaShe

Spider Trap

Am not water flow from a tap
That you can make flow and stop
I am Ganges, perennial river, waterfall
What have you got? Come on, bring it all

Am not a puppet in your hands
That you can play or decide to throw
I have my emotions, smiles and wounds
Some vanish but some increase as I grow

Am not a phone you can put off or switch on
Either you are with me, or you are gone
Am scary and damaged, twisted and dark,
Being with me, has proven to be a treatment of shock

The blame is on me, I get it, I agree
But will I ever change? Not even a degree
Hell with my life, is just my attitude now
My past is hung up to my tomorrow and now

You have fallen in a bottomless well
I am sorry, but getting out will be hell
Out of sight goes out of my mind
Sulk away and may be on you I'll be kind

BhaShe

Taking Charge

My own hands
Tied my own legs
In my own golden chain

Don’t know when,
Don’t know how,
Gold turned to iron

What I liked
What I wanted
Became a burden on me

What I thought
What I expected
Made me lose my glee

I felt owned
I felt drowned
I felt I was responsible

For my today
For my past
As it became disgustful

Neither in nor out
I carried my scout
To know and fix what’s wrong

Though tough
Though difficult
I know I have to be strong

Took an axe
In my shaking hands
To cut myself lose

Even if it hurts
Or cut my legs off
Am sure I won’t snooze

BhaShe

Decided Destiny

Staring at a moonless sky
With thousands of stars twinkling
I think about the past and the future
And wonder what I have done!

Those stones, I thought diamonds
And diamonds, I threw away for pearls
Those decisions I made which went well
And which have now become mistakes

The hearts I broke and got mine broken
The hearts I am about to break
The decisions I am going to make
And the results it would lead to

The second chances in life and
The dead ends we come across
The smiles and tears that came together
And the hope that future holds for us

I tell myself, change is constant
Life needs balance, in all aspects
The pull and the push, that has been done
And what might change when breaks applied

I ponder and decide, I am right
And I am responsible for what I am
And will continue to be responsible enough
To manage my life, like it deserves

BhaShe

Wronged

Every time you abandon me
I ask this to myself
What did I do wrong?

My pillows get wet with tears
My heart aches with pain
With the question in my head

All of a sudden you vanish
And all of a sudden you come back
I keep wondering what I did

Is that only anger you have?
Or you feel love for me too
I never have understood

If you don’t need me
Say it, I might get over with it
I may not need you too

If my life or death does not matter
Then am dead to you already
Stop making me die everyday

Have I done anything wrong?
And why has anything hurt you
The puzzles I never understand

You keep punishing me
With pain, deserting and silence
I keep asking what I did wrong.

BhaShe

Surprises

So much noise
Is it in my head?
I hear conversations
Am I talking to myself?

Waves keep forming
Like thoughts in my head
Everything is scattered
Like the moonless night

Some are singing, far away
Some songs are written here
Should I laugh or should I cry
My disturbed mine does not try

Yesterday, today and tomorrow
Has nothing changed or everything has?
Different tunes that flow from all over
Make me think I am lost in a different world

Is this high inside my mind
Because of what I been through
Or what I have seen and become
I need to make peace with myself

The melodies of songs heard
Fades away as time passes
Till I encounter such bliss again
The dead that is alive, lives

Waves and thoughts form and fade
Change is the only constant
I keep wondering and discovering
New sides of mine everyday

BhaShe