Happiness!

Sometimes years are spent in minutes and
Sometimes seconds take years to pass
Time has its own way to transcend and transform
To teach and to make living better by day!

It’s like waking up from a sweet dream and
Still feeling the beauty of it, around
Like world unwinds its colors slowly
Beauty is the only word I have!

Being true to emotions, true to oneself,
True to the inner conscious, follow the morals
Living the values that our fathers taught
And living, knowing that it’s all gonna end!

Peace of mind and lots of hope
Sincerity, honesty and applied life lessons
Knowing that I am doing the right thing for all
Gives such a peace and joy to the heart!

Enjoy the life, as you wish, as you deserve,
Harm no one, hurt no one, be the best you can!
It’s all temporary, momentary, know that well,
And live such way, that you die with pride and honor!

BhaShe

Perspectives

If I were to die today…

I’d love to spend it with you,
Just sit with you all day long
Laugh, cry, talk, hug, eat, donno what!
And love you and make love to you,
Not worry about anything
Just enjoy the most with you
Make the best out of what I have
Forget the pain you caused
Forgive all your mistakes
Love you like nothing happened in the past
As I’ll not have a tomorrow

In short, what I wanna say is,
I still love you a lot
I have not forgotten anything
Both the good and the bad we had

But unfortunately, I believe I am gonna live, so

I can’t love or desire you
I can’t put myself in that position
Where I need to beg you badly for love everyday
I can’t put myself in pain
I can’t feel bad about myself again
I can’t feel low and cry often
I can’t listen to your lies and excuses
I can’t get ill-treated by you again
I can’t and don’t want to go through again
As I think you wouldn’t have changed a bit!

So, I will keep the anger, sad and what you did,
I will keep the pain you caused in the past
And I will make it help me forget you
As I believe I have a lot to do, lot to live
I don’t wanna hurt myself again
By confessing my love to you one more time!

BhaShe

Preparing for Pain

This morning, I spoke to her, she was very hurt, her dad had passed away and she could not go to see his face for the last time. It was an unexpected death. His health condition was normal and such a sudden death was not expected, even though he was hospitalized for 10 days. He moved on and now his family need to accept this sudden change and start living with it.

Not just people, relationships also die. Sometimes you can predict it and expect it to happen any moment and a lot of other times it just happens. One has to adjust only after its occurrence.

All of us come with an expiry date written on our forehead (if you believe that is place where god writes our future and his wills ;)), and I think so does every relationship. Sometimes people die before the relationship expires and sometimes relations die.

Also, like I said, some relations give hints that they are about to die, you could predict it, you could plan to adjust even before it actually happens. Like a bed ridden old man! You know he is not going to get up and become active, you know he is walking towards the doors of death, you know it may be today or tomorrow. So you understand, you accept and you are prepared for it to happen. Still you hurt. Even after knowing that he was walking on a one way road, you hurt. But do you hurt as much as you would have if it were unexpected?

Like an accident! You had no clue that the one you loved would be no more, you cannot see him alive the next time. Like a sudden break up, when you thought everything was going fine. Like a striking lightening! You were completely unprepared for such a shock in life and it happens. Friends, lovers, parents, siblings, we lose people whom we love in just a second. It’s like destiny’s destructive plan, cruelty. It takes a lot of time to accept that this has happened, to understand the reality, and then to adjust one’s life to the new reality.

Can we ever be prepared for all the death and loss that occur? We know we are all going to die one day, so, can we really prepare for it? To reduce the pain? Can we really be prepared for the shocks of life like death, break up or losing someone forever? Will I be called negative if I start a relationship thinking it may not work and end up bad? If I make up my mind and say I can live without anybody, though I love some people around me? Am I wrong then? Am I crazy?

I was in tears when I saw her in tears. It’s just been 3 days she has lost her father, and I was there, in my usual way, making fun, laughing, wishing her for happy festival. She was hurt, badly! I have seen my close ones cry when they lost their loved ones and I don’t like the pain! I don’t like the intensity of that pain. I want to know if there are ways to reduce that pain! Future is supposed to be unpredictable, but can we anticipate? Can we be ready? So that the hurt is that much lesser?

What do you think?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Are Friends/people a necessity of Life?

Why do we need people or society to live? To be alive? I doubt that! Then why do we need people who are called friends, love, relatives, whatever relationship that we have?

Well, during ancient days people were needed to be in groups as hunting was and is still a group activity. (well, human is not the only social animal in that respect, even other animals have their own groups and are social within that, right?) Later, we needed people around for barter system. However, now, when one earns enough to stand on his or her own legs, then why do we need friends? Or people around?

Why is there such a need and pressure to have friends? I even remember watching a movie, where the bride tells her friends that her fiancé does not have friends and they insist on him having some. They tell her about the problems of not having friends and how that will ruin their marriage! He actually goes out to make friends and the movie continues, the movie is called “I love you, man”. The guy ends up with different type of people as his friends!

Is it the need to share? To show off? Status? Belongingness? What is that thing, which drives people to have someone around? If deprived, to lose their mind?

Is it such a necessity to have friends? Or for that matter people around? To share, to go out, to shop, and what all other reasons! Why? Why cannot a human live alone, without any friends or family support on a day to day basis and be happy about it?

Ok, if you are saying you need someone who cares for you, loves you and who considers you as their world and let you have the same feelings, then I have my set of doubts on that as well! How long can one sustain such feelings? How long one will? And I think life time is a very long time to commit to!

That too when you say it is a selfless act! Some actions are done, purely to make the other person happy and expecting nothing in return! Seriously! Do such people really exist?

Again, if there is no selflessness, then why be social? Why yap so much about it? Does anyone do any act just to make someone else happy? I have my own set of doubts about it! When everything is done with a meaning, selfishness, purpose or expectation then only hurt and pain gets generated right, not love and peace! Then why bother disturbing one’s inner peace by being social?

We have psychologists to share our problems and get useful advice! We have books to read, TV to get entertained, strangers to smile, and unknown people to have a chat! Well, you might say now that I am contradicting my own thoughts! But again, I am talking about strangers and professionals and not friends or relatives! Because, whenever I said people, I meant friends and others who are known! An established relationship!

The one who is alone and happy about it, has the rights to decide how connected or disconnected one wants to be with anyone or anything! Stuff like books, music, and so on don’t hurt! Life will pretty much be on our own terms if this is done! So, why be social? Why rely on people with established relationships? Why trust them? Why?

I seek answers!

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Becoming Me!

A very peaceful seashore
Completely disturbed me
Trying to concentrate
To attain moksha in solitude

I think the good and the bad
I think about going beyond thinking
I list the positive and the wrong
And I throw the list into the sea

I focus on the sound of waves
The whisper of breeze in my ears
I focus on the blue sky and water
And I try to see what I am!

A tiny creature on this planet
Who existence won’t make a difference
I search to find a purpose
That could bring about some change

I hope to leave a positive mark
Before I walk off forever
I desire to make something worth
I am waiting for my calling to come

I try to find peace and explore myself
To know me and to become me
I need to throw my list of doubts
And find answers to countless questions!

BhaShe!

Young Adults and Old Parents!

I am even unsure if I should be asking these questions! But, because I see homes where kids have flown away to a different home, city, state or country and old parents stay alone, also I see homes where though they stay together, parents are neglected and treated as if they are for kids use or benefit only, I am asking these questions!

It is kids’ responsibility to take care of parents in their old age? Or do parents need to plan for their last days? How wise is it to ask them to plan? (Have money, home, and people to take care of you or an old age home) How wise is it to expect kids to take care of their parents? What is best? Is there a common formula? What about kids who leave their parents and fly off to different home, city, state or countries? Is sending money enough? Is that the only thing that parents look for, from their kids? Or just one month visit in 2 years a good deal? What about daily necessities? What about emotional need of having kids’ around? Should we judge such kids? Who should? On what? And Why?

What we do to our parents is what we should be expecting from your kids? Or what our parents did to their parents is what we should be doing to them? Is there a best set example for this?

If parents ask their kids to curtail their certain dreams and stay grounded, are they considered to be selfish? Or if kids leave their parents in their old age and wander off to pursue their dreams, should they be called selfish? Is there a point where it can be balanced? Where and how?

Looks like my set of questions on this topic will never end and drag to other things, which will become topic for questions again, so I’ll stop here!

Do you have any answers?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

Just Questions!

Just Questions!

Why? When? How? Which? Where? What? Who? Whom? Whose? We use this very often, get answers sometime and get neglected otherwise. Here is a list of questions which I face, hear, want to answer, seek answers for, have answered, so on and so forth! This section of my blog is called “Just Questions”. If you have answers for any of these questions, please write. If you have more questions, please write them too.

Post 1.

Why do people kill themselves? (Yes, I am still hung over by Jiah Khan’s death and the reasons that she listed in her death note) Is love from a particular person so important that without it one cannot live? Or was delivering a baby that is a love’s child is troublesome. Accepting that life is not taking the turns that you want it to, is so very difficult? Is career the only purpose of life? What happens to the love, affection, upbringing and everything else that parents do? How does all of that become negligible in front of some strangers love and make someone kill herself! Why? Is love really worth dying for? For that matter, is anything really worth dying for? What is? And why?

How do we stop this? How do we tell our younger generation that it is okay! It is okay to lose, to get your heart broken, to suffer loss, and go through pain! How do we tell them and we accept ourselves that it is okay! Believe that moving on with life is the best thing to do. How?

Life, a big question! The purpose of it, is! But feeling purposeless is it enough reason to end life? Or is it enough reason to find one?

Answers Please! :)

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu

ಮುಕ್ತಿ ಚಿಂತನೆ

ಮಣ್ಣಿನ ದೇಹವಿದು, ಮಣ್ಣಿಗೇ ಹೋಗುವುದು
ಅಳುವುದ್ಯಾಕೆ ಇದರ ಗೋಳುಗಳ ಕಟ್ಟಿಕೊಂಡು?
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಕಣ್ಣುಕತ್ತಲೆ ಬರುವಂತೆ ಹೊಟ್ಟೆ ಹಸಿದಿರುವಾಗ, ಬೆತ್ತಲಿರುವಾಗ
ಚಳಿಯಲಿ ನಡುಗುವಾಗ, ಕೈ ಕಾಲು ಸೆಟೆದುಕೊಳ್ಳುವಾಗ
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಪ್ರೀತಿ ಪ್ರೇಮವೆಂದು ಮನಸು ಗೊಂದಲಿಸುವಾಗ
ಕಣ್ಣೀರು, ನಗು, ಕೋಪ, ದ್ವೇಷ, ಜಿಗುಪ್ಸೆ, ಅಹಂಕಾರ, ಅಸೂಯೆಗಳು ಕಾಡಿದಾಗ
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಬಂದು ಬಳಗವು ದುಡ್ಡುಮಾಡಿ ವೈಭವಿಸುವಾಗ
ಇಲ್ಲದ ಸ್ಪರ್ದೆ ಬಂದು ಮನಸ್ಸು ನಕಾರಾತ್ಮಕವಾದಾಗ
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಅಭಾವ ವೈರಾಗ್ಯದ ಸೋರೆ ಬುರುಡೆ ಕಟ್ಟಿಕೊಂಡು
ಸನ್ಯಾಸವೆಂಬ ಬೆಂಕಿ ಬಾವಿಗೆ ಜಿಗಿವ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಯೋಚಿಸಿ
ಒಳಗಿರುವ ಆತ್ಮದ ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಮಣ್ಣಿನದೇ ಆದ ದೇಹದಲಿ, ಹೂವಿನಂತ ಮನಸ ಇಟ್ಟು
ಇಲ್ಲಿ ಕಳಿಸಿ ತೊಂದರೆ ಕೊಟ್ಟ ದೇವರ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಬಯ್ಯುತಲೇ
ಅವನ ಪಾದ ಸೇರುವುದ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ? ಮುಕ್ತಿಯ ಬಗ್ಗೆ ಚಿಂತಿಸಲೇ?

ಭಾಶೇ

ರೂಪಾಂತರ

ಕಲ್ಲಾದ ನನ್ನೆದೆಯ ಕುಟ್ಟಿ
ಅಡಿಪಾಯ ಕಲ್ಲು, ಜಲ್ಲಿಯಾಗಿಸಿ
ಏನೋ ಸಾಧಿಸಿದೆಯೆಂದು ಮಾಡಿ
ನಿನ್ನ ಮನೆ ಕಟ್ಟಿಕೊಂಡವನೇ

ನುಜ್ಜು ಗೊಜ್ಜಾದ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯ
ತಳಪಾಯವಾಗಿ ಛಾವಣಿಯಾಗಿ
ಗಟ್ಟಿ ಸಿಮೆಂಟಿನೊಂದಿಗೆ ಗಟ್ಟಿಯಾಗಿ
ಮತ್ತೂ ಕಲ್ಲಾಗೇ ಉಳಿದಿದೆ

ಹಲವು ಛಿದ್ರ ಚೂರುಗಳಾಗಿ
ಮತ್ತೆ ಒಂದಾಗದಂತೆ ನೊಂದು
ಮಣ್ಣಾಗಿ, ಧೂಳಾಗಿ ಮತ್ತೆ
ನಿನ್ನನೇ ಸುತ್ತಿ ಸುಳಿಯುತಿದೆ

ಕಲ್ಲಾಗೇ ಇದ್ದಿದ್ದರೆ ಈ ನನ್ನ ಹೃದಯ
ನನ್ನಲೇ ಇರುತಿತ್ತು, ಎಂದಾದರೂ ಕರಗುತ್ತಿತ್ತು
ಚೂರು ಚೂರಾಗಿ ಹೋಗಿದೆ ಇಂದು
ಹೃದಯರಹಿತೆ ನಾನು ಕಲ್ಲಾಗೇ ಉಳಿದಿರುವೆ.

ಭಾಶೇ

ತುಂಬಿದೆದೆಗಳ ರಾಕ್ಷಸಿ

ಸಂಜೆಗತ್ತಲಲ್ಲಿ ಗಂಟೆ ಎಂಟಾದ ಮೇಲೆ
ಕೆಲ ಜನನಿಬಿಡ ಕೆಲ ನಿರ್ಜನ ಪ್ರದೇಶದಲ್ಲಿ
ಕಾಣಿಸುತ್ತಾಳೆ ಇವಳು, ತುಂಬಿದೆದೆಗಳ ರಾಕ್ಷಸಿ

ತಿರಸ್ಕಾರ ಭರಿತ ನೋಟ, ಕುಹಕ, ಛೀಕಾರ
ಬದುಕಲು ಇದೇ ದಾರಿಯಾಗಬೇಕ? ಮೂದಲಿಕೆ
ಕೆಲವರಿಗೆ ಕುತೂಹಲದ ವಸ್ತು, ಆಕರ್ಷಣೆ

ಬಣ್ಣದ ಚಿಟ್ಟೆಯಂತೆ ಸಿಂಗರಿಸಿಕೊಂಡು
ಎದೆ ಭಾರವ, ಸ್ತ್ರೀ ನಾಚಿಕೆಯ ಪ್ರದರ್ಶಿಸಿ
ಕಾಯುತ್ತ ನಿಂತಿರುತ್ತಾರೆ, ಲಜ್ಜೆಗೆಟ್ಟು? ಮಾನಗೆಟ್ಟು?

ಯಾರದೋ ಮೊದಲ ಸಲದ ಆಸೆಯ ತೀರಿಸಿ
ಇನ್ಯಾರದೋ ಅತಿ ಕಾಮುಕತೆಯ ನೀಗಿಸಿ
ಬೆಳಗಾಗುವುದರೊಳಗೆ ಮಾಯವಾಗುವ ಮಾಯಿನಿಯರು

ತುಂಬಿದೆದೆಗಳ ಹಿಂದೆ ಅವಿತಿರುವ ಭಾವಗಳೆಷ್ಟು?
ಬಣ್ಣ ಕಳೆದ ಮೇಲೆ ಹರಿವ ಕಣ್ಣೀರ ಕಥೆಯೇನು?
ಯಾವ ತಾಯಿ ಹೆತ್ತ ಮಗಳೋ ಹೀಗೆ ಬಾಳಲು?!

ಅರಿವಿರದ ನಿರ್ಲಜ್ಜೆಯಿಂದ ಮೂದಲಿಸುತ್ತೇವೆ ನಾವು
ಅವರ ಬಾಳಿನ ಪಥವ ನಡೆದವರಷ್ಟೇ ಬಲ್ಲರು
ನಿರ್ಭಾವುಕರೇ ಇವರು? ತುಂಬಿದೆದೆಗಳ ಮಾನಿನಿಯರು?

ಭಾಶೇ

Shut Eyes

Busy with my battles,
I shut my eyes

When I opened them today,
Oh! I have missed the growth in you
The colors you have picked up
The blossoms that have flowered
The fruits that have ripen now
Alas! I had shut my eyes

Its lightening, raining, thunder storms
Hailstones fall making a beautiful noise
Walk with an umbrella is music to ears
The cooling breeze makes me sing and dance
I have missed the nature’s bliss,
Alas! I had shut my eyes

There is a new baby, a blissful wedding
A new car, house and holiday hanging
Oh! That color, that dress, that new cuisine,
All that has come, that I wish
I lost days being busy within me,
Alas! I had shut my eyes

I hear new music every minute now,
I see dance in natures every turn
I cherish the sweet, the sour and the bitter
Everywhere I see, its only glitter
Well, it’s all so calm and so very nice
Am glad! I haven’t shut my eyes!

BhaShe!

The one way door out! – Suicide!

Woke up very disturbed this morning, Jiah Khan committed suicide? Heard it on the radio and could not stop thinking about it. What would have gone so bad, so wrong that she killed herself? Didn’t she think of her parents, family, who would be devastated by this act of hers? How and why did she decide to quit? Why did she become so harsh on herself? What went so wrong that she thought it cannot be fixed at all? I am really puzzled and upset.

I know, you might be thinking, that girl made only 3 films, made more controversy than making films, why am I so upset? I am upset because I saw a very daring, sweet, touching girl in her when I saw ‘Nishabd’. I know it’s just a movie, but I liked her, liked her a lot! I kinda felt, she lived one of my dreams. I was happy for her. Somewhere, some point, I saw myself in her. That attitude, that presence, somewhere.

She is no more now! I like to deny that, I do not want to believe it. I am upset. No matter how bad or challenging life goes, I am against suicide, till the point where you have your blood, family surrounded. Am I?
Or is it the thought that, instead of being alive and not just suffer from pain personally, but keep hurting closed ones, it is better to end, put a full stop to both ends.

I don’t know! All I now know is, her death disturbed me, making me think more about life!

In the long run, I may not miss her, I may not even remember her, she might just be a faded memory in life, but yes, I do believe she lived one of my dreams, and that way, we will always be connected!

BhaShe!

Walk on

Every step I take, hurts like crazy
Still I walk further, I go on
I know it hurts for a reason

My body is frozen, but my heart is warm
For the hungry stomach, I give food for thought
I walk further, even when all my ribs hurt

Stones, thorns, pierce my foot
Hailstones hit me and hurt me hard
Though I walk, I am directionless

Pain to pleasure is an awful journey
Path throws up unknown challenges
Every turn I take, shocks me to death

I walk further, alone, strong and weak
Though torn to pieces, putting myself together
I am in search of inner peace, sanity

Not knowing what is real and what is not
Not knowing right or wrong, lightless
I walk on in the dark, even when it hurts to death

BhaShe

Moving Forward

You can’t bathe in the same river twice
It moves forward, says a philosopher
I am moving forward too
Growing old and fat, funny and wise

Life is unique for everyone
It’s like watching modern art
Interpretations and experiences
Give meanings to spread colors

With wide open arms
I enjoy the skies, the blues
Season is changing, from within
New boundaries, new limitations

I am moving forward, everyday
I am growing, getting better, stronger
I am becoming what I am meant to be
A big, strong, beautiful and fruitful tree

BhaShe

You don’t know the angel in you

When I sleep, taking deep breath
I smell the awesomeness you have
Just when I am about to catch
You hop on to your horse and vanish

The good and bad always coexist
As is the beauty and the beast
You do good deeds and bad
Like one is happy and sad

Like the colors collide in a rainbow
Like expressions set our eyebrows
Like in and out our lungs go,
It’s that natural to live a mixed life

Sun rises and sets as earth turns
Mind and body has its poisons to churn
The equal and opposite reaction
Is not something said for the sake of fun

You don’t know the angel in you
You don’t know the demon in you
You use them like they are meant to be
But the angel in you always scores more

BhaShe

Anger

Blood has boiled to a point
We deny identifying each other
All the efforts to make us joint
Has blasted back like a blunder

Fire in our breath
When thought of each other
We grind our teeth
When we see each other

Hate and grudge has sunk in
And made our hearts cold
With all the hurt within
Words are thunder and bold

Desire to tear open
Each other and our chest
Pour out the venom
And give anger some rest

Though the outcome
Is not something I can imagine
But the thought of peace
Makes it sound all worth it

BhaShe

Spider Trap

Am not water flow from a tap
That you can make flow and stop
I am Ganges, perennial river, waterfall
What have you got? Come on, bring it all

Am not a puppet in your hands
That you can play or decide to throw
I have my emotions, smiles and wounds
Some vanish but some increase as I grow

Am not a phone you can put off or switch on
Either you are with me, or you are gone
Am scary and damaged, twisted and dark,
Being with me, has proven to be a treatment of shock

The blame is on me, I get it, I agree
But will I ever change? Not even a degree
Hell with my life, is just my attitude now
My past is hung up to my tomorrow and now

You have fallen in a bottomless well
I am sorry, but getting out will be hell
Out of sight goes out of my mind
Sulk away and may be on you I'll be kind

BhaShe

Taking Charge

My own hands
Tied my own legs
In my own golden chain

Don’t know when,
Don’t know how,
Gold turned to iron

What I liked
What I wanted
Became a burden on me

What I thought
What I expected
Made me lose my glee

I felt owned
I felt drowned
I felt I was responsible

For my today
For my past
As it became disgustful

Neither in nor out
I carried my scout
To know and fix what’s wrong

Though tough
Though difficult
I know I have to be strong

Took an axe
In my shaking hands
To cut myself lose

Even if it hurts
Or cut my legs off
Am sure I won’t snooze

BhaShe

Decided Destiny

Staring at a moonless sky
With thousands of stars twinkling
I think about the past and the future
And wonder what I have done!

Those stones, I thought diamonds
And diamonds, I threw away for pearls
Those decisions I made which went well
And which have now become mistakes

The hearts I broke and got mine broken
The hearts I am about to break
The decisions I am going to make
And the results it would lead to

The second chances in life and
The dead ends we come across
The smiles and tears that came together
And the hope that future holds for us

I tell myself, change is constant
Life needs balance, in all aspects
The pull and the push, that has been done
And what might change when breaks applied

I ponder and decide, I am right
And I am responsible for what I am
And will continue to be responsible enough
To manage my life, like it deserves

BhaShe

Wronged

Every time you abandon me
I ask this to myself
What did I do wrong?

My pillows get wet with tears
My heart aches with pain
With the question in my head

All of a sudden you vanish
And all of a sudden you come back
I keep wondering what I did

Is that only anger you have?
Or you feel love for me too
I never have understood

If you don’t need me
Say it, I might get over with it
I may not need you too

If my life or death does not matter
Then am dead to you already
Stop making me die everyday

Have I done anything wrong?
And why has anything hurt you
The puzzles I never understand

You keep punishing me
With pain, deserting and silence
I keep asking what I did wrong.

BhaShe