Wednesday, September 11, 2013


If I were to die today…

I’d love to spend it with you,
Just sit with you all day long
Laugh, cry, talk, hug, eat, donno what!
And love you and make love to you,
Not worry about anything
Just enjoy the most with you
Make the best out of what I have
Forget the pain you caused
Forgive all your mistakes
Love you like nothing happened in the past
As I’ll not have a tomorrow

In short, what I wanna say is,
I still love you a lot
I have not forgotten anything
Both the good and the bad we had

But unfortunately, I believe I am gonna live, so

I can’t love or desire you
I can’t put myself in that position
Where I need to beg you badly for love everyday
I can’t put myself in pain
I can’t feel bad about myself again
I can’t feel low and cry often
I can’t listen to your lies and excuses
I can’t get ill-treated by you again
I can’t and don’t want to go through again
As I think you wouldn’t have changed a bit!

So, I will keep the anger, sad and what you did,
I will keep the pain you caused in the past
And I will make it help me forget you
As I believe I have a lot to do, lot to live
I don’t wanna hurt myself again
By confessing my love to you one more time!


Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Preparing for Pain

This morning, I spoke to her, she was very hurt, her dad had passed away and she could not go to see his face for the last time. It was an unexpected death. His health condition was normal and such a sudden death was not expected, even though he was hospitalized for 10 days. He moved on and now his family need to accept this sudden change and start living with it.

Not just people, relationships also die. Sometimes you can predict it and expect it to happen any moment and a lot of other times it just happens. One has to adjust only after its occurrence.

All of us come with an expiry date written on our forehead (if you believe that is place where god writes our future and his wills ;)), and I think so does every relationship. Sometimes people die before the relationship expires and sometimes relations die.

Also, like I said, some relations give hints that they are about to die, you could predict it, you could plan to adjust even before it actually happens. Like a bed ridden old man! You know he is not going to get up and become active, you know he is walking towards the doors of death, you know it may be today or tomorrow. So you understand, you accept and you are prepared for it to happen. Still you hurt. Even after knowing that he was walking on a one way road, you hurt. But do you hurt as much as you would have if it were unexpected?

Like an accident! You had no clue that the one you loved would be no more, you cannot see him alive the next time. Like a sudden break up, when you thought everything was going fine. Like a striking lightening! You were completely unprepared for such a shock in life and it happens. Friends, lovers, parents, siblings, we lose people whom we love in just a second. It’s like destiny’s destructive plan, cruelty. It takes a lot of time to accept that this has happened, to understand the reality, and then to adjust one’s life to the new reality.

Can we ever be prepared for all the death and loss that occur? We know we are all going to die one day, so, can we really prepare for it? To reduce the pain? Can we really be prepared for the shocks of life like death, break up or losing someone forever? Will I be called negative if I start a relationship thinking it may not work and end up bad? If I make up my mind and say I can live without anybody, though I love some people around me? Am I wrong then? Am I crazy?

I was in tears when I saw her in tears. It’s just been 3 days she has lost her father, and I was there, in my usual way, making fun, laughing, wishing her for happy festival. She was hurt, badly! I have seen my close ones cry when they lost their loved ones and I don’t like the pain! I don’t like the intensity of that pain. I want to know if there are ways to reduce that pain! Future is supposed to be unpredictable, but can we anticipate? Can we be ready? So that the hurt is that much lesser?

What do you think?

Sowmyashree Gonibeedu