Along with my partner and child, I went fruit shopping the evening of Holi. We needed elakki and nendra banana fruits. We walked to a shop close by noticing another vegetable and fruit shops being closed and a bakery shut. Holi holiday, I thought.
The shop we wanted to buy from, was open. This shop has fruits at the outside and vegetables inside. I think it is a pattern, as I have seen other shops too have fruits at the entrance, almost on the outside and vegetables in. The billing counter separates the fruits and vegetables section and is in a corner. This is a relatively decent sized shop for a fruit and vegetable shop. There usually is one person looking after the shop and sometimes, on busy evenings, two attenders.
My partner was carrying our child while I choose the fruits and he went to pay the bill while I carried our child. I saw two boys, color all over them, fighting, pulling each other, trying to hit, being rough with each other; being pre-teen kids. I thought they might be from north India. The smaller boy looked at me as they came close to the vegetable shop. The shopkeeper was busy tending to his customers, shifting his gaze from the kids, to the shelves and to billing. His focus was on billing and delivering the right items to the right customers and he was not paying much attention to these boys.
The smaller boy came close to the shop, put his hand in the hybrid black grapes basket, took some grapes, put it in his mouth and took his hand back; throughout looking at the shopkeeper.
I was looking at the boy, and he knew I was looking as he looked right back, meeting my eyes. I was angry at what he did and it was visible on my face.
He took few moments and repeated his act. We looked at each other again. This time, he was more confident, almost as if asking, I dare you to tell the shop keeper. I did not. I was furious because I had thought me watching him steal would have made him self-conscious and that would be enough to stop him. But it was not and I could not digest my failure.
He looked at me as if to ask, do you think I care if you tell the shopkeeper. I wanted to tell the shopkeeper but I did not. I was afraid because I also saw aggression in him as if to say, see what I will do to you if you tell him. I was holding my child and I feared for our safety.
My partner had finished his business and we walked back home. I happily distracted myself with some other thoughts. My child engaged with me in some conversation and I was relieved to be away from the boy.
Next morning, again the three of us were out and I was reminded of this boy. Why was this boy taking grapes that he did not buy? Why didn’t he have enough pride to say what is not mine, is not mine, that his significance won’t depend on whether he ate those grapes or not, I thought.
He knew what he was doing was not right, otherwise, he would not have done it when the shop keeper was looking away.
Why does his family not buy grapes? We have had poverty eradication measures since independence, still, here is a boy, unable to afford the fancy grapes.
Why do we have such temptations, why are these fruits so expensive?
I thought about value systems, politics, education policies, societal conditions and everything else that is part of the big picture. To fix a problem such as this, the whole country has to be fixed, I thought.
My partner pointed out that even we take fruits that we don’t necessarily buy. But my defense was, we go there with an intention to buy and we buy something. And somehow, when we buy something, taking a sample of something else did not seem wrong.
That evening, while lying on the bed, I thought about the boy again and I wondered;
Why didn’t I think of buying him some grapes? Ask him whether he liked them, whether he was hungry and buy him grapes or anything else he wanted?
I could afford those grapes (even though I think they are expensive and a waste of money, instead, we should buy local ones). If I had offered him, would it have made a difference?
Beneath the layers of fear, judgment and pseudo social activism, do I have a heart that really cares? How much do I have to navigate within my mind to do something?
As it was all thinking and no action.
Sowmyashree Gonibeedu
The shop we wanted to buy from, was open. This shop has fruits at the outside and vegetables inside. I think it is a pattern, as I have seen other shops too have fruits at the entrance, almost on the outside and vegetables in. The billing counter separates the fruits and vegetables section and is in a corner. This is a relatively decent sized shop for a fruit and vegetable shop. There usually is one person looking after the shop and sometimes, on busy evenings, two attenders.
My partner was carrying our child while I choose the fruits and he went to pay the bill while I carried our child. I saw two boys, color all over them, fighting, pulling each other, trying to hit, being rough with each other; being pre-teen kids. I thought they might be from north India. The smaller boy looked at me as they came close to the vegetable shop. The shopkeeper was busy tending to his customers, shifting his gaze from the kids, to the shelves and to billing. His focus was on billing and delivering the right items to the right customers and he was not paying much attention to these boys.
The smaller boy came close to the shop, put his hand in the hybrid black grapes basket, took some grapes, put it in his mouth and took his hand back; throughout looking at the shopkeeper.
I was looking at the boy, and he knew I was looking as he looked right back, meeting my eyes. I was angry at what he did and it was visible on my face.
He took few moments and repeated his act. We looked at each other again. This time, he was more confident, almost as if asking, I dare you to tell the shop keeper. I did not. I was furious because I had thought me watching him steal would have made him self-conscious and that would be enough to stop him. But it was not and I could not digest my failure.
He looked at me as if to ask, do you think I care if you tell the shopkeeper. I wanted to tell the shopkeeper but I did not. I was afraid because I also saw aggression in him as if to say, see what I will do to you if you tell him. I was holding my child and I feared for our safety.
My partner had finished his business and we walked back home. I happily distracted myself with some other thoughts. My child engaged with me in some conversation and I was relieved to be away from the boy.
Next morning, again the three of us were out and I was reminded of this boy. Why was this boy taking grapes that he did not buy? Why didn’t he have enough pride to say what is not mine, is not mine, that his significance won’t depend on whether he ate those grapes or not, I thought.
He knew what he was doing was not right, otherwise, he would not have done it when the shop keeper was looking away.
Why does his family not buy grapes? We have had poverty eradication measures since independence, still, here is a boy, unable to afford the fancy grapes.
Why do we have such temptations, why are these fruits so expensive?
I thought about value systems, politics, education policies, societal conditions and everything else that is part of the big picture. To fix a problem such as this, the whole country has to be fixed, I thought.
My partner pointed out that even we take fruits that we don’t necessarily buy. But my defense was, we go there with an intention to buy and we buy something. And somehow, when we buy something, taking a sample of something else did not seem wrong.
That evening, while lying on the bed, I thought about the boy again and I wondered;
Why didn’t I think of buying him some grapes? Ask him whether he liked them, whether he was hungry and buy him grapes or anything else he wanted?
I could afford those grapes (even though I think they are expensive and a waste of money, instead, we should buy local ones). If I had offered him, would it have made a difference?
Beneath the layers of fear, judgment and pseudo social activism, do I have a heart that really cares? How much do I have to navigate within my mind to do something?
As it was all thinking and no action.
Sowmyashree Gonibeedu
No comments:
Post a Comment