Seeking for God

I had always thought “tujme rab dikhta hai” statement is an exaggeration but now-a-days kind of started realizing that it can be true too. How do you define god? I would say, the one who takes care of you, the one always wants good for you, the one whom you can love, depend and be yourself with, the one you can blindly believe, and one you obey, the one who is an answer for all the questions you have. I mean, even if my definition is a little too much please bear with me, but that’s what/who is god right?.

I have always been wondering, how a mom could love her kid so much, or any person whom one loves. Have we not seen flaws and problems with all sorts of love we give and get. This concept of love has always been very confusing for me. Let me accept that I am a little too self centered and love myself so much that I have very little space to accommodate my loved ones. When anybody, for that matter anybody tells me that they love me so much, this that and everything, I keep wondering how do they have the ability to love somebody so much.

Love somebody so much? there comes the condition part too. Ok! You are not supposed to do like this, talk like this to me, treat me like this… coz I love you. Expectations and demands and terms and conditions, I guess one’s life sees both the best and the worst parts of their lives only because of their loved ones. (do you accept this? Correct me if am wrong) Another set of complication is with the definition of love. If I tell my good friend that I love her, it is taken as friendship, if I just replace the her with him, then, am not sure if I am taken rightly or not. Is love means sharing the living space, or sharing some moments of life or just being there in one corner wishing and praying for the best things for the loved ones? Anyways, I don’t think there is a solid definition or the right or wrong answer to this. All this is just gray areas.

However, all these conditions do not come to picture only when somebody have an unconditional love to somebody else. The way they say, the only thing I want is you to be happy and stuff. Is it really possible to love somebody without any condition? Imagine a scene where you pour in love on somebody and that somebody just ignores you. Would you still be able to love them? That way you had felt or done it before? Or is it only on the books?

Coming back to God, the ability to love God and be unconditional with him would be such a pleasure. He won’t directly ask you to do something but get it done through you if he needs, and just let you be what you are or make you what he wants you to be. Realizing this and loving him sounds so peaceful and joyful. However, I fail to make a connect with him. I fail to associate him with somebody or something. I know I need to gain that peace of mind and have the feeling that everything is running as he wants it to be, but am failing to connect the dots.

If any of you know, can you please explain me how a human progresses towards making life simpler and better? What is the first step and what are the baby steps that help somebody move on? I just finished the 5th chapter of the Holy Geetha and it promises to talk about the baby steps from 6th chapter on. Reading is fine but if I don’t implement or practice then is it any good that I read it? Am looking for some help in bringing things to practice.

When I was a kid, I saw my grand pa do pooja every morning for at least one and a half hours, doing ‘abhisheka’ and ‘naivedya’ and arti, chanting the ‘sooktas’. I wonder if he actually understood the meaning of every ‘mantra’ he chanted. The ‘gayatri jap’ is done to bring peace of mind and it’s a powerful source/means to start meditation, but my grand pa was not peaceful. He was very aggressive and short tempered. I am bringing in all that I have seen, heard, read and showcasing where I stand. I can’t do pooja unless I understand it. The need for knowledge and the need for self identification is what I am wanting to fulfill.

The moment I say knowledge and the need t know more, does this cuts-off the possibility of having an unconditional love towards God be able to realize am his poppet? Please… suggest me books (better if they are available in Kannada) and tell me, where you stand. I seek for help.

Sometimes I wonder, am I doing it because I want to run away, I am afraid of failures, am I suffering from the Arjun syndrome? and I fail to understand where I stand. How can one get to know what do they want out of life?

BhaShe